❄ but the most special are the most lonely ❄

[letmetakeaselfie]

I. ( tony + steve + bruce )

[ tony's face-plate comes up, all but dragging steve over the threshold. he just has to focus on keeping the super soldier awake so they can get to bruce and get patched up. and then everything will be fine - it'll all be fine. nevermind that cap's best friend is now a psycho killer and is totally on the loose and natasha blew up s.h.i.e.l.d. via the interwebs and put a huge target on all of their heads.

at least he's not panicking.

he has no actual way of knowing how injured he personally is under the suit, either. he's in so much shock and so jacked up on adrenaline that anything is possible. he just hopes it isn't beyond the doctor's scope. JARVIS puts in the passcode wirelessly so tony can carry steve through the door, princess-style. ]

Medic? We need a medic... [ the joke dies on his lips, meeting bruce's gaze across the room. god is he a sight for sore eyes. ]

II. ( tony + steve + bruce + pepper )

[ once tony and steve are cleaned up and back in their street clothes, they may as well get ready for the q&a that's coming. there are a lot of things he's still not willing to discuss - peggy and her husband; his father; bucky... but neither of them are going to get a choice. he loves pepper and bruce with all (both) his heart(s) but this is some heavy shit, so instead he just blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

it's also the dumbest. ] Widow will be happy you finally got yourself a date, huh, Cap? [ he nudges the other man's shoulder and looks to everyone else, sorry. that's the best he's got. ]

III. ( tony + steve )

[ tony wanders out to the living room, finding steve out on the couch where he'd left him. he knows just by the unsteady rise and fall of his chest that he's not sleeping. how could either of them after that? without saying a word, he slots his slighter frame in next to him, carefully avoiding both of their injuries and pulling out his phone. ]

I wasn't kidding about that like page, you know. [ he shows cap the facebook fan page that allegedly phil set up. it has a much more flattering image than the twitter. also 14 million something likes. ] You have almost as many fans as me.

[ he's not even being cheeky (much), he has over 19 million. ]

IV. ( tony + pepper )

[ pepper's not up yet and tony hasn't slept yet, which really, if it weren't so commonplace by now might be more traumatic. as it is, he eyes her heels at the base of the bed; she had fallen asleep in her clothes. poor pepper, he'd probably exhausted her and worried her sick with all of this. again, par for their course, but still.

before he can talk himself out of it, he sits on a corner of the bed and goes about trying to get his feet into her shoes. she would totally kill him if she woke up right now, but as they'd established that day they went to the park, it was really hard being short. ] What does she have, elf feet...?

[ he asks the open air, wobbling to his feet and immediately falling to the ground. this wasn't his best laid plan by far. he's just going to lay here for a while. this carpet is soft and his entire body is a bruise. ]

Comments

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ tony knows what he means instantly, letting the feeling encapsulate his heart. steve was supposed to be here all along, but maybe it's better this way-- maybe it's the only way things would've been alright. ]

We'll find him, Steve. [ we'll save him. ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve eyes snap open at that. He turns his head to Tony in quiet disbelief. He catches the meaning of that. It's shocking. He knows what people must be saying now the files have been released to the public.

Bucky should have been stronger. He should have died rather than allow himself to be turned into a weapon. They'll despise him for murdering one of the most beloved couples in America in cold blood; one of which risked his life as a young man to aid in the rescue of Bucky and the rest of the prisoners of war. They'll say his reputation for loyalty and kindness was all a lie. How could they believe someone so good would be capable of such horrors?

But not their son. Tony still thinks there is a person worth saving inside the Winter Soldier. Steve doesn't have to argue or plead on his behalf for forgiveness and understanding.

Something inside him just cracks in response. Steve's been quietly preparing himself to lose this family over a conflict that isn't going to take place. He brings his hand up to cover his face and cries without reservation for the first time since Bucky fell.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ tony didn't even think of it like that -- that he's essentially protecting his father's murderer. but it's not about that; he was steve's best friend. tony's best friend turns into a green rage monster, like, he actually has a frame of reference for this.

but it's his turn to spin his head when he hears steve sniffing, and before he can panic or remind himself he has no idea what to do in this situation, he straightens up a little and wraps his arms around steve's shoulders, supporting him gently so he can get this all out. heaven knows he needs to. ]

[valuedstrength]

[He does if only because he doesn't know how to stop once he starts. There's a reason Steve learned how to bottle it up so well aside from not giving people more reason to view him as weak and fragile all those years ago. It's always ugly, messy, and long when he finally does it.]

Why did it have to be him? Out of all of us-- He took care of people. He took care of me. He never started a single fight. [But he finished them. Bucky always did what was necessary to keep his people safe. He wonders if in some twisted way he still believed that was what he was doing.]

It was always me. I was the one who wanted this life. [He should have been the one to suffer like that if someone had to. It's irrational and terrible thing to think, but right now he's more of the hurt young man than the war veteran who hasn't stopped fighting since he left the ice. He can't see things clearly.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ oh god steve is going to make him cry. his eyes are already stinging with tears, but he ignores it, pressing his cheek against the side of steve's face and holding on tight. if it were steve in bucky's position? he couldn't deal with that. he knows it's natural for him to blame himself, but he can't stand for it, not when his own life is so intrinsically connected. ]

Shut up. [ it's soft, and his voice trembles a little. but the emotion behind it is clear. ] It's not anyone's fault but the fuckwits who did this.

[ and he has to keep telling himself - they killed his parents. not bucky. bucky was just a tool, and the thought makes the hair on his arms and neck stand up unpleasantly. ]

If there's even a chance... [ even just one, that bucky's still in there? well, they're heroes. this is what they do. he wipes at steve's face with the edge of his sleeve, pulling him against his chest almost roughly. this is what's happening right now and it is messy and ugly and crazy and fucked up but that's okay with him. because steve is his family, just like he was always meant to be. ]

[valuedstrength]

[He laughs weakly when he's told to shut up. It's so like Tony. He's falling apart in his arms and yet Tony still talks to him as though this isn't strange. Steve has tried so hard to always show a strong front to Tony and everyone else. That's shattered for the other man now. God is he ever thankful he's trying to comfort him like this isn't humiliating.

(Because he's not allowed tears. That's for everyone else.)

The familiarity helps prevent Steve from trying to make off to do this in private. The way Tony pulls him close isn't unlike how Bucky did decades ago. He finds himself not fighting it.]

He's there. You saw the way he reacted to his name. [It always got him to hesitate before the Winter Soldier threw himself more desperately into his mission. That's probably how Steve managed to get hurt at all once Tony entered the fight. He kept hammering it home whenever he got the chance despite knowing it would only put him in further danger.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

I saw it. [ he assures steve, nose rubbing against the other man's face as he nods. if cap believes it then he will, too. and steve knows he doesn't give up pretty much ever. he's a good guy to have on this. and it's actually cathartic in a way -- he's starting to just be glad he knows. knows what really happened. ]

And how much harder he hit you after. [ tony swallows, grappling with all of it but it's his turn to put on his brave face for cap. he owes him at least that much. ]

[valuedstrength]

[It's a relief to have the assurance. Steve know he is, as Natasha would put it, compromised. He can't see his best friend as clearly as the others as he is now. He sees the little boy who held out his hand to him, the teen who promised to be with him until the end of the line, and the man who brutally took down any threat to him. It's impossible to untangle the man who loved him from the weapon who kept trying to kill them earlier today. Steve brushes away the tears it springs up. It's more painful for Steve to remember someone he loves and trusts so much trying to kill him with their bare hands than actually being hurt to begin with.]

I know you don't want me to get hurt, but I can't do any less for him than he would do for me. [But not now at least. Steve isn't that stupid. They need time to recover from all of this.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

I know. [ he tips his head against steve's and just rests there a moment, hoping his presence is any sort of comfort. ]

But hey, I think today proved we make a pretty good team, old man.

[valuedstrength]

[It's plenty of comfort. He's not working himself in a frenzy. Steve feels oddly calm now that the initial shock of not being alone in this has faded.] Yeah I guess that time with the aliens wasn't a fluke.

[He laughs weakly at his own joke. A moment passes before he adds quietly.] Thank you. You know for everything.

[He took him in and gave him a real home. Tony's still with him even when it'd be easy to blame him for some of this. His stupid call to give up his life to save the world meant no one was around to shout no at Howard, Peggy, and Phillips when they needed to hear it most.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he snorts too, obligingly, before steve starts in on that self-flaggelating thing all over again. that stuff was ancient history, literally. and though he'd harbored resentment for the captain long before he'd even come into his life, he was finding it hard to remember why. he wouldn't be able to function without him in this little family unit now. wouldn't know how. ]

Wow, this is a monumentous occasion. I feel like I should record it for some future generation. And here we have Captain America's famous 'thank you' to Iron Man after months of feuding.

[ his voice takes on a dry cast, trying to sound like a recording tape in a museum. he shakes his head and burrows closer, unable to pinpoint the exact moment this had become so commonplace between them, not that it much mattered now that they were here. ]

But... listen, it's okay. You're welcome, whatever. I suck at this, but just don't go anywhere, okay?

[valuedstrength]

[Steve rolls his eyes, forgetting for the moment to keep beating himself up for every little thing in the universe.] If this ends up in the exhibit, I will hurt you.

[He sighs softly and tries largely in vain to make himself smaller.] I'm not, alright? [Not anymore goes unsaid since he is starting to get the feeling Tony knows. He did kind of trap him on couch.]

Besides, you, Pepper, and Bruce are way better company than Fury or Natasha right now. [He says it like he'd actually have ever gone to them instead of wandering off alone in the big, bad world that keeps trying to have him killed.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he nods all too knowingly, still squeezing steve in his makeshift hug, but his grip loosens a little. steve won't go anywhere -- he'll stay. they'll figure this out together.

but just in case: ] You know I deserve to exact my pound of flesh, too.

[ a little guilt topper because while he doesn't blame cap for any of the past transgressions against his family, bucky, or peggy -- he will blame him if he's left behind and can't get in his own punches to hydra. they took his fucking parents. ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve watches him carefully. Maybe it's hilariously wrong to voice concerns about a journey that will inevitably be in part about revenge, but the soldier is doing this anyways.]

Don't let it turn you into something you're not. [With that being said,] But yeah. If there's anyone left to hold accountable for what happened to Howard and your mother, we'll find them.

[He can't imagine they're not all turning on each other right now, inevitably thinning the ranks, like the monsters they are. It's pretty clear from their behavior the second they stopped playing the part of dutiful SHIELD agents they're just as a stupid and petty as he remembered. There might not be anyone to find once it's over, but he's looking anyways.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ it's wrong to want them to stick around just so he can be the one to pull the trigger, he knows that. steve knows that, too, but he knows it won't stop either of them from unturning every cave and crevice in their search. they would be relentless, but rats scatter when you chase them, and they would have to be clever. it's a good thing cleverness is a particular strong suit of his.

anger surges through his chest, squeezing around his heart and spurring him into action that he knows can't happen for some time. the waiting will kill him. ]

It's too late for that. [ he had murdered before, and he would do it again. these people were like the terrorists he'd killed; there was nothing human about them. he wouldn't hesitate to take that shot. ]

[valuedstrength]

No, it's not. [He impresses this point as much as he can with his gaze alone. Steve at him with a rare intensity.] There's a difference between putting down a monster because you have to and letting it become all you live to do.

[He's seen it happen to too many soldiers who had every right to be angry and bitter until that became their whole lives. They burned out every time in awful ways. He can't bear that fate falling onto Tony.]

You still have a good heart and if I think for a second that you're losing it over this I'm in the wind. [While he might not be able to stop Tony at that point, he sure as Hell wouldn't stick around to enable him.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ in the wind. tony swallows, his own gaze wild and wide as it jumps around the room. it's only now that he pulls away, even if it's only an inch, sitting up properly and tucking his arms in against himself. ]

That's why we have to check each other. [ no running on either side. they were team; family. if one of them started obsessing it was the other's job to get him back on track. he doesn't mind trusting steve with that if he'll allow it to be reciprocated. ]

But you can't leave me, too. [ now his eyes lock on steve. it's not anything but an outright command. he's not allowed to abandon him, not now. not after this. ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve hadn't expected that reaction. He wanted to impress the seriousness of this onto Tony; not scare him. Once again he gets the feeling like he went down an aisle too quickly and lost his kid at the store. He reaches out to touch one of Tony's arms.] Okay. I won't let it come to that.

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ his expression instantly softens and he nods, letting cap know that his word is enough -- that tony believes him. ]

You know I'll hunt you down. [ much lighter now, but with a sharp undercurrant of truth. ]

[valuedstrength]

Yeah I thought so. [He rubs his eyes. The tears have tampered off finally leaving him with a bright red face.] I wouldn't want you to have to. You're actually pretty terrifying once you set your mind on something.

[He's actually not kidding about that. He'd rather not find out how that turns out for him.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

Capatin America is scared of me? Awesome.

[ he flashes steve a grin and allows his posture to loosen somewhat so their shoulders fit together again. tony lets a beat pass before looking over again. ]

I think there are some cards around here somewhere. Wanna play?

[valuedstrength]

[Steve rolls his eyes and settles back into silence for a moment. He glances back over at the mention and gets caught up in how normal it sounds before nodding.] I could go a round.

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ tony nods, getting up and padding off to find the cards, taking a little longer than was strictly necessary so steve would have time to wash his face and do whatever else he needed to do. but then he's back, opening up the deck and sitting cross legged on one side of the sofa. ]

Gin Rummy's the game. We play to 101 because I don't like even numbers.

[valuedstrength]

[Steve carefully gets off to the couch to pad to the nearest bathroom. After he's scrubbed his face a few hundred times, he emerges. He takes a seat slow and mindful for once.]

Of course you don't. [He doesn't even care since card games were never his specialty. He's resigned to losing badly at this.]

Is it a bad time to mention I haven't played a card game since the forties? [Their deck set on fire. It was a tragedy. :(]

[letmetakeaselfie]

Nah, this is a great time. But is it a bad time for me to mention I only play for money?

[ the most innocent look is this while he shuffles up. ]