✪ we walk around pretending we're all grown up ✪

[letmetakeaselfie]

They went to the beach and everything was warm and beautiful for a while. He's immensely glad Steve has found someone to appreciate him as much as he and Pepper do -- especially since Sam shows it better than he ever could. He's also grateful Steve agreed to stay at the Tower when he wasn't in D.C. It did a great deal to ease his mind now that the S.H.I.E.L.D. drama was over with. Or at least, Phase One was over.

It's late and Pepper's sleeping and he's still a little fucked up from his surgery. They told him not to strain himself, which of course he immediately had anyway. He doesn't wait for Steve to come collect him though, hitting the elevator button obediently instead of trying to mount all those stairs -- why did he have so many stairs anyway?

Tony pushes on the door of the training room, knowing the other man is up, punching bags. He's jealous; he just wants to get back to doing dumb shit with his friends. His expression is uncharacteristically wan, soft; very nearly demure. He clears his throat though he also knows Steve has noticed him.

"You missed my bedtime," he criticizes with zero bite, holding up his watch and pointing to its face while still hanging in the doorway -- as if he's afraid to step any closer. Not of Steve, but of what it may symbolize.

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[letmetakeaselfie]

He tips his head at Cap as if to say See, I can behave. But it isn't really about that. It's just respect, plain and simple. His curiousity wins out at Steve's insistence he won't want to see them, and that's when he finally cracks open the book. "I'll scroll past the naughty ones," he pledges, too used to tablets and holograms to say 'flip past.' The ones of Sam actually just make him smile all over again though, satisfied that he feels no jealousy. Hating that he has to check and doublecheck himself for things like that, but at least he does it right? At least he's aware of his own compulsions.

Resting on the page of Pepper and himself for a long time, he gently traces over her hair on the page, struck by how well it captures that moment. That was right before they'd ditched Sam and Steve for a nooner, but hey. Details. His smile turns into a grin. But it quickly fades as he gets to the Bucky stuff, jawline hardening and brow set. This is still the man who killed his parents. Not of his own cogniscence, and they were shitty parents, but it still fills him with gross churny conflict in his tummy area.

The one of Bucky's arm is actually incredible to him, that Steve paid that much attention - of course he did - but he's already reverse-engineering it in his mind. Which leads to a bubbling up of empathy for Bucky to match his hatred. More conflicty feelings for sure, but the impersonal nature of this drawing is comforting to him. Familiar.

"Are you any closer?" he asks suddenly, knowing Steve will be out soon and wanting to breech the subject before he looses nerve. "To finding him."

[valuedstrength]

"No." It's clearly paining him. His best friend is alive and he can't even talk to him. "The only way to get an idea of where he's even going is to track down HYDRA and even then you're more likely to show up after the fire has been taken care of." Literal fires. It's the same pattern; he slaughters anyone who isn't part of an 'incentives' program and destroys the place.

"The problem is he's going to run out of known HYDRA targets eventually." Which will lead him back to Russia according to Natasha's files if he sticks with his obvious revenge plot and he will. Bucky always sees things through to the end. Even that might be fine if he survives going against old spooks. What happens when everyone he holds accountable is dead? It's that question that haunts Steve because he knows the answer. He lengthens out the shower to avoid having Tony see the look on his face as acknowledges yet again Bucky will probably end this by putting a bullet in his own head.

[letmetakeaselfie]

Though he knew it would be a loaded question, he still wasn't prepared for the gravity of the answer. He'd been doing his own searched, on the down-low. On the dark net, and anywhere else S.H.I.E.L.D. or Nat couldn't gain access. Tony closes the book and sets it on his knee. If Steve wants to show him the rest, he will.

"You know, Cap..." His own expression grows a little grim, looking down at his feet on the tile. A part of him just wants to let Bucky run the way he's been running. Destroy HYDRA, probably destroy himself. He could live with that, but he couldn't live with what it did to Steve. His heart constricts, and it takes him almost a full second to stop listening for the whirring sound alongside it. "You've taught me a lot about trust. And other stuff, too. But."

He had never outright trusted anyone without some display or research that said he should. Steve had been the exception to that, and ever since he had trusted in his word, too. His friends. Natashalie and Sam were good people, they weren't trying to take him away from Tony. They understood the familial connection more than anyone else, in fact. His fingers trace idly over the cover of the sketchpad, blowing out a sigh.

"We're gonna find him, all of us. As long as we trust... trust that he's still in there. Everything will be okay." He knows it's too simple; that it won't go down exactly that way. Not for the first time, he puts himself in Cap's shoes and it's not a pretty place to be. Not that his are any sweeter.

"I'd be doing exactly what you're doing, if it were Rhodey..." He knows his buddy, just like Bucky, would want Tony to kill him if he couldn't do the task himself. Would want to end it and all the hurt he'd wrought, no matter how haplessly. But Tony knows, just like Steve, that he'd never allow it. "We have to trust in him. We have to." His voice picks up a little roughness, sounding almost desperate as he repeats the affirmation. He trusts Bucky as an extension of Steve. And as long as they're on this path Tony isn't going anywhere, no matter how painful it is for him.

[valuedstrength]

Steve looks in his direction even if all he can see is a curtain. It means a lot to hear him say that. Some days he honestly wonders why Tony keeps him around here aside from worrying he'll do something vaguely suicidal otherwise. The rest knocks him off his feet. They talked about being in this together, but he never expected it to come to frustration because it is painful for Tony. He has to put aside his feelings, his loss, in order to help save Bucky. That is a lot to ask, too much in fact, but Tony isn't asking permission. He's already talking like he's part of it. He understands where Steve is coming from which is incredibly overwhelming for him.

Steve cries under the hot spray as quietly as he can. The small hick up and the roughness of his voice as he responds betrays him. "Yeah. You're right." He rubs his face and sighs. "You should probably get out of here. I need to get dressed. You're probably ruining my sketchbook." He lets out a broken sounding laugh. He supposes it's his fault for turning every shower into a sauna. At least he remembered to leave some pajamas in here so he doesn't have to try to avoid crying while holding onto a towel and look for something to wear. He really should buy a bathrobe one of these days.

[letmetakeaselfie]

Tony knows what's happening, but nothing betrays him in his own voice, steady and calm. "Your sketchbook's fine, I'll put it back where I found it... Are you gonna color the one of me and Pep?" He's already getting up to go though, Cap can tell him after he's composed himself.

"Hope I was a good shower buddy," he says, a little wan. A little too serious. He'll be waiting in Steve's room whenever the other man is ready, sitting on the edge of his bed and kicking his feet a little, feeling every bit like the little kid Steve treats him as at times. He really does hope that Cap understands - that he needs him, too. That he wouldn't be here otherwise. That he's not going to stop needing him even if the Avengers stops being a thing or whatever.

[valuedstrength]

He's out a few minutes later in a pair of soft pajama pants and cotton t-shirt. His eyes and face are red, but otherwise he seems fine, only a little tired. Steve wastes no time crossing over to the bed in order to join Tony on the edge when he'd really just like to collapse on it. It's been a day.

"I am going to color it. It's one of my favorites." Tony will know what he means.

[letmetakeaselfie]

He wouldn't take offense, but he knows there are pretenses to be held up on both sides of the aisle here. Tony gently leans his arm against Steve's, mustering up a tiny ghost of a smile. "Mine, too. She'll love it."

[valuedstrength]

"I hope so. It's going to be a fun to get just the right shade for her hair." He smiles warmly; as if he won't love every second of it. One of his favorite things since his color blindness subsided is trying to capture all those colors on the canvas whenever possible.

It's short lived before he sobers up. He looks at Tony next to him, bright eyed and sincere. "Thank you for what you said in there. It means a lot that you've got my back on this. I know this is really hard for you. I don't want you to think I'm taking you for granted."

He shakes his head at the thought. "I'm not. I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me." He ducks his head and can't bring himself to say anymore. Steve doesn't why he's so emotional all the sudden. Is it all finally catching up to him?

[letmetakeaselfie]

Tony gets it, having been there enough times himself. It's time for him to give back, and show even a fraction of the kindness he'd been dealt. "Come on, big guy, get under the blankies." He nudges at Steve gently, still a little tender himself but he's not about to let that stop him.

"It's not quite orange, but not gold either, right?" he asks about Pepper's hair while he builds up to the good stuff, holding up the sheets for Steve to climb under. He'll dive in himself right after with zero hesitation. It's funny how for him, he's the only one who needs to be grateful. Steve must feel the same way. They make quite a pair.

"I don't think that," Tony remarks softly, finally responding as he tries to draw Steve in against his freshly whole chest. "And it's okay. If things weren't hard they'd be boring, and that's a fate worse than death, right?"

[valuedstrength]

"That's it." Steve murmurs as he numbly follows directions. He feels like a little kid all over again. The comfort of being safe under warm covers is immediate. He only hesitates a moment before allowing himself to be drawn in. Steve realizes more than ever just how tired he is. Somehow he feels like a kid and a million years old at once.

"Probably for you." He smiles weakly. "I could use boring not that I'll ever get it around you."

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Yeah, yeah. Says the guy who's always going on secret missions and shit." Tony's hand gently cups the back of Steve's neck, fingers idly playing in the short hairs there. "But if I wasn't around you'd just be a grumpy grandpa, is that it?"

It isn't challenging, like it usually might be. No jealousy either as he'd sussed out earlier. For once Tony feels secure in the knowledge that his own motives are pure, and maybe that's what gives him the strength to dive back into the heart of the issue.

"No one takes me for granted. The suit sometimes, sure. But me? It's kind of great to even be in a position to get taken advantage of." There's a beat, that sounded so wrong. He doesn't know how to say it, but hopefully his muddled words will get across as they usually seem to. "Or you know, whatever."

[valuedstrength]

Steve nestles in, trying to figure out the appropriate distant between them since Tony still is tender from surgery. He doesn't need a giant knocking into his healing chest by mistake. He stops fussing when Tony's hand settles on the back of his neck. He frowns indignantly at the question before the real ones come. While they're badly put he does get it. No one ever assumes that much of Tony Stark. He's the nut job, screw up, mess, insert your comment here of this and really every group.

Except Steve doesn't really see it that way. He sees someone flawed and hurting. That someone is helping him right now when he feels like he's going to fall apart. "I get it. You don't get to be the stable-ish one that often." He undoubtedly is right now. "I don't like being this way." He's bleeding where everyone can see him. It doesn't feel right.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"The stable-ish one." He wants to be offended, but he simply doesn't have the energy. Doesn't want to feel anything negative for Steve now in any case, even if it were deserved. Which it isn't - it very rarely if ever is. "You're rude for the pillar of America." It only makes him hold Steve tighter, wanting him to feel in some physical way that he never has to face all this alone. It makes his skin pull unpleasantly under his clothes, but he doesn't even really notice or register the pain. It feels phantom after so long with a hole in the middle of him.

"You got me. I'm the one they said was too unstable to be an Avenger when they have a giant green guy smashing shit up no problem. But lil' old me? No can do." He says it breezily of course, not that it doesn't still bother him -- still hurt, a little. "But I'm the one who got you back. That makes me the most valuable guy on the planet."

And if he can keep Cap safe then maybe he really is. He doesn't want Steve to feel this way either. He knows he can't fix it the way he fixes his other problems; all he can do is wait, and he sucks at waiting.

[valuedstrength]

Steve raises his eyebrows in agreement at being called rude. He really is. There's no denying it. The rest he doesn't know how to deal with. He agrees that report was hideously wrong especially when you factor in who else was meant to be on the team. He can't agree with the rest.

Steve starts awkwardly, "Not to dismiss your value, but I really think you're overselling me here. I'm not the pillar of anything or really-" Worth getting back. What can he do? What is he really worth when it's all said and done? Steve only feels valuable when he's giving away pieces of himself in order to save the day.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"I don't even drink anymore..." It's carried on the tail end of a thought he perhaps didn't mean to vocalize. Steve is doing that thing again. Tony sighs and gives him a little space, realizing he's holding just a little too tightly to be comfy for either of them.

"I know you don't always feel like you belong here. That's normal. At least, I've read it is." A smile flickers over his face so briefly it might never have been there. He's so not the pep talk guy. "But if you're grateful then I'm -- gratefuler. Gratefulest. The most grateful is me, okay. English is a fucking stupid language that has like, three hundred thousand words and I don't even have one for what I am because..." He takes in a sharp breath, tipping his temple against Steve's. When did he stop questioning this? He's not sure he even wants to pinpoint the answer, but still the query remains. When did he so induct Steve as his family that he dismissed all other options? "Because I'm never gonna stop needing you either, okay?"

Tony's hand fists lightly in the fabric of Steve's sleep shirt, sighing against the other man's face. They're brothers now, teammates. He doesn't turn his back on people once he's taken them in, and Steve knows that. There are some traits he's not reluctant to share with his father.

[valuedstrength]

He's relieved when Tony pulls back. Steve is the suffering in silence type. He would have had to speak up about how that must hurt his mending skin eventually, but not soon enough in his book.

Steve has to smile weakly at Tony's ramble until it of course hits the truth for Tony. Steve has to recognize that maybe he has some worth as far as this family goes if only because Tony insists on it.

His eyes are watering again on cue at the thought. He has to shut them in order to avoid getting the other man's face wet. Of course he doesn't really mind Tony getting in his space when it has to do with this. "You're not going to be happy until my face is permanently red and swollen. Anything to be the prettiest person in the room." He lamely jokes, bringing up his arm to properly wrap around Tony.

"I guess we're stuck with each other." It should be a joke, but it's not. It's acceptance of something he knew happened a while ago. Steve loves him as a brother. He'd do anything to ensure his happiness and safety. Somewhere along the line it became mutual.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Damn, you saw through my plan," he says, though the drama is thrown off by the wobble in his voice. Did Steve really not know that before he told him? He thinks about Howard. His father never told him he loved him. Now Tony works hard to say the things he means to the people he most cares about. Of course Steve didn't know, it wasn't in his nature to assume his own worth like it was for Tony. Somewhere along the line, he started clinging, the strong arm around him familiar and safe. This was what he'd come to find, and it doesn't make him feel shame; just an overwhelming sense of belonging and yes, love.

"You're stuck with me, at least," he points out, face disappearing against the other man's throat. He lets his ankle catch on Steve's in order to bring him even closer, knowing how weird they are and yet feeling no awkwardness for it. No one is sure how long Steve will live, but Extremis will extend Pepper's life, and eventually his own. They can all be a family together. Especially if they can find Bucky and save him after all. His own eyes prickle with unshed tears, blinking them back and fighting the rising tide of wrongness the tightness in his chest brings up. He's not sure if he misses the reactor, but there is a certain physical absence he can't deny. Something visceral and strange. "...I can't speak for you."

[valuedstrength]

Truth be told, Steve has long operated under the assumption the secret missions or Avengers' work would kill him. He'd never have to worry about people getting old on him. He was always destined for a brief, turbulent life. He did worry about Pepper though because she's too smart to go out like that. He'd be relieved to know that Tony had plans to ensure she wouldn't be alone.

Right now his only plans are to appreciate the moment for what it is. He's in a nice, safe place with his friend. He's going to get a good night's sleep. He can care less if anyone outside of here has to say about it.

He does register the clear difference between this night and all the others. There's no device mandating they need a certain amount of space apart. There's no light or noise. Steve's not sure if he misses that or not. The fact that its existence was the only thing keeping Tony alive is something he can do without.

He answers Tony as if it's an afterthought. "Don't be an idiot. Of course you have me." For however long that turns out to be.

[letmetakeaselfie]

He laughs, though it's watery; almost unnatural sounding. It's so much like something Pepper would say to him he almost can't stand it. But it's also nice to have the validation. More than. "See? Rude." Not that he'd have it any other way. The people closest to him had to know how to dish it back or he'd just run off and hang himself with all the rope they gave him.

"I know I do," he assures, following his procedure of pressing his ear to Cap's heartbeat, letting its steady rhythm fill his head and take everything else away. "Sorry you didn't know... my thing. I'm working on that." Steve knows as much, and the apology probably isn't necessary, but he feels bad that there was even one shred of doubt - especially since he feels like he's done so much to cater to Tony and his neuroses. The security system, moving in here, the vacation. Not that the super soldier was any stranger to the whims of eccentric billionaires.

[valuedstrength]

"You don't have to apologize for that." Steve had to lead with that. He feels like he's partly to blame. It's so hard for him to work out his value as a person outside of being Cap. It's difficult to know how others feel towards him when he isn't jumping to protect them from every enemy they face.

"Even if my best friend didn't come back from the dead, I'd still have a lot of stuff to work out. It's hard to see things that are probably right in front of me." He gently runs his hand up and down Tony's back, hoping to console him a little. Tony is still the one physically healing here. He'd like to have him focusing solely on that even if it's not really possible for someone like Tony Stark.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"I thought I was your best friend," he jabs, not serious in the least. The gentle attentions make it impossible to keep his eyes open, hand slacking in Steve's shirt some as he becomes more or less a lump against him. He hadn't really given himself much time to recover, but after a few hefty lectures he was trying to lay off a little more. Which still wasn't to the satisfaction of his doctors and Pepper, but he's still healing fast. Imagine that.

The nasty scar gives him something else to be self-conscious about in the wake of the reactor, so at least he doesn't have to lose this rough self-flagellating exterior he's built up. Small victories, and all that. "We both have issues, yep. Think we covered that one during our first session, Captain."

[valuedstrength]

"You are," Steve assures him quickly. It's said like an afterthought. Isn't it painfully obvious? "You can have more than one. Imagine that." That is a little more sarcastic. Whatever Tony's a dope. No surprise there.

"Should I be coming up with new material? I don't think I ever told you how much I loved those little toy soldiers as a kid."

[letmetakeaselfie]

Oh. Oh. It gets him like someone reaching inside and flipping a switch, and suddenly he's holding back tears. Why did it hit him like that? He feels so stupid. "Well... good," he manages, his voice wavering even more than before. "Because you and Rhodey are pretty much a tie." If Steve isn't even coming out a little ahead these days.

"And as long as you didn't love them a little too much..." Oh yeah, Cap's half-gay or whatever that was probably insensitive. He barks out an unstablish sounding laugh and shakes his head against Steve's shoulder. "Foot in mouth, record time."

[valuedstrength]

"Tony..." He didn't mean to set off intense feels. Steve's just being honest. Then of course he follows up with that. Steve just stares at him unsure whether to be offended or trying to use this as a teachable moment. He can only speak to his experience, but uh it doesn't really work that way. Show some sensitivity!! Some people aren't so highly evolved etc etc.

"Wow you actually said that. Yeah looking back it was playing with a toy every other boy played with that let me know 'hey I could date a guy too, huh?'" He shakes his head like Tony no. Who taught you anything??

[letmetakeaselfie]

Listen he never would have said that to anyone but a heteronormative dude like himself (okay) or you know, Cap. But he wasn't thinking about him being bi when he said it. Because he doesn't think about him being bi ever (gross!) - yeah no, that was bad. Pepper probably would have hit him bad.

"Bad joke. Like. Whole new level of terrible." He pulls away a little to grimace. This is his apology face, you can keep doing that back rub thing. Sighs. He ruins everything. "...What did make you realize that though? Uh. I mean. If you... want to answer." Is that better???? Christ.