✪ we walk around pretending we're all grown up ✪

[letmetakeaselfie]

They went to the beach and everything was warm and beautiful for a while. He's immensely glad Steve has found someone to appreciate him as much as he and Pepper do -- especially since Sam shows it better than he ever could. He's also grateful Steve agreed to stay at the Tower when he wasn't in D.C. It did a great deal to ease his mind now that the S.H.I.E.L.D. drama was over with. Or at least, Phase One was over.

It's late and Pepper's sleeping and he's still a little fucked up from his surgery. They told him not to strain himself, which of course he immediately had anyway. He doesn't wait for Steve to come collect him though, hitting the elevator button obediently instead of trying to mount all those stairs -- why did he have so many stairs anyway?

Tony pushes on the door of the training room, knowing the other man is up, punching bags. He's jealous; he just wants to get back to doing dumb shit with his friends. His expression is uncharacteristically wan, soft; very nearly demure. He clears his throat though he also knows Steve has noticed him.

"You missed my bedtime," he criticizes with zero bite, holding up his watch and pointing to its face while still hanging in the doorway -- as if he's afraid to step any closer. Not of Steve, but of what it may symbolize.

Comments

[valuedstrength]

Steve nestles in, trying to figure out the appropriate distant between them since Tony still is tender from surgery. He doesn't need a giant knocking into his healing chest by mistake. He stops fussing when Tony's hand settles on the back of his neck. He frowns indignantly at the question before the real ones come. While they're badly put he does get it. No one ever assumes that much of Tony Stark. He's the nut job, screw up, mess, insert your comment here of this and really every group.

Except Steve doesn't really see it that way. He sees someone flawed and hurting. That someone is helping him right now when he feels like he's going to fall apart. "I get it. You don't get to be the stable-ish one that often." He undoubtedly is right now. "I don't like being this way." He's bleeding where everyone can see him. It doesn't feel right.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"The stable-ish one." He wants to be offended, but he simply doesn't have the energy. Doesn't want to feel anything negative for Steve now in any case, even if it were deserved. Which it isn't - it very rarely if ever is. "You're rude for the pillar of America." It only makes him hold Steve tighter, wanting him to feel in some physical way that he never has to face all this alone. It makes his skin pull unpleasantly under his clothes, but he doesn't even really notice or register the pain. It feels phantom after so long with a hole in the middle of him.

"You got me. I'm the one they said was too unstable to be an Avenger when they have a giant green guy smashing shit up no problem. But lil' old me? No can do." He says it breezily of course, not that it doesn't still bother him -- still hurt, a little. "But I'm the one who got you back. That makes me the most valuable guy on the planet."

And if he can keep Cap safe then maybe he really is. He doesn't want Steve to feel this way either. He knows he can't fix it the way he fixes his other problems; all he can do is wait, and he sucks at waiting.

[valuedstrength]

Steve raises his eyebrows in agreement at being called rude. He really is. There's no denying it. The rest he doesn't know how to deal with. He agrees that report was hideously wrong especially when you factor in who else was meant to be on the team. He can't agree with the rest.

Steve starts awkwardly, "Not to dismiss your value, but I really think you're overselling me here. I'm not the pillar of anything or really-" Worth getting back. What can he do? What is he really worth when it's all said and done? Steve only feels valuable when he's giving away pieces of himself in order to save the day.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"I don't even drink anymore..." It's carried on the tail end of a thought he perhaps didn't mean to vocalize. Steve is doing that thing again. Tony sighs and gives him a little space, realizing he's holding just a little too tightly to be comfy for either of them.

"I know you don't always feel like you belong here. That's normal. At least, I've read it is." A smile flickers over his face so briefly it might never have been there. He's so not the pep talk guy. "But if you're grateful then I'm -- gratefuler. Gratefulest. The most grateful is me, okay. English is a fucking stupid language that has like, three hundred thousand words and I don't even have one for what I am because..." He takes in a sharp breath, tipping his temple against Steve's. When did he stop questioning this? He's not sure he even wants to pinpoint the answer, but still the query remains. When did he so induct Steve as his family that he dismissed all other options? "Because I'm never gonna stop needing you either, okay?"

Tony's hand fists lightly in the fabric of Steve's sleep shirt, sighing against the other man's face. They're brothers now, teammates. He doesn't turn his back on people once he's taken them in, and Steve knows that. There are some traits he's not reluctant to share with his father.

[valuedstrength]

He's relieved when Tony pulls back. Steve is the suffering in silence type. He would have had to speak up about how that must hurt his mending skin eventually, but not soon enough in his book.

Steve has to smile weakly at Tony's ramble until it of course hits the truth for Tony. Steve has to recognize that maybe he has some worth as far as this family goes if only because Tony insists on it.

His eyes are watering again on cue at the thought. He has to shut them in order to avoid getting the other man's face wet. Of course he doesn't really mind Tony getting in his space when it has to do with this. "You're not going to be happy until my face is permanently red and swollen. Anything to be the prettiest person in the room." He lamely jokes, bringing up his arm to properly wrap around Tony.

"I guess we're stuck with each other." It should be a joke, but it's not. It's acceptance of something he knew happened a while ago. Steve loves him as a brother. He'd do anything to ensure his happiness and safety. Somewhere along the line it became mutual.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Damn, you saw through my plan," he says, though the drama is thrown off by the wobble in his voice. Did Steve really not know that before he told him? He thinks about Howard. His father never told him he loved him. Now Tony works hard to say the things he means to the people he most cares about. Of course Steve didn't know, it wasn't in his nature to assume his own worth like it was for Tony. Somewhere along the line, he started clinging, the strong arm around him familiar and safe. This was what he'd come to find, and it doesn't make him feel shame; just an overwhelming sense of belonging and yes, love.

"You're stuck with me, at least," he points out, face disappearing against the other man's throat. He lets his ankle catch on Steve's in order to bring him even closer, knowing how weird they are and yet feeling no awkwardness for it. No one is sure how long Steve will live, but Extremis will extend Pepper's life, and eventually his own. They can all be a family together. Especially if they can find Bucky and save him after all. His own eyes prickle with unshed tears, blinking them back and fighting the rising tide of wrongness the tightness in his chest brings up. He's not sure if he misses the reactor, but there is a certain physical absence he can't deny. Something visceral and strange. "...I can't speak for you."

[valuedstrength]

Truth be told, Steve has long operated under the assumption the secret missions or Avengers' work would kill him. He'd never have to worry about people getting old on him. He was always destined for a brief, turbulent life. He did worry about Pepper though because she's too smart to go out like that. He'd be relieved to know that Tony had plans to ensure she wouldn't be alone.

Right now his only plans are to appreciate the moment for what it is. He's in a nice, safe place with his friend. He's going to get a good night's sleep. He can care less if anyone outside of here has to say about it.

He does register the clear difference between this night and all the others. There's no device mandating they need a certain amount of space apart. There's no light or noise. Steve's not sure if he misses that or not. The fact that its existence was the only thing keeping Tony alive is something he can do without.

He answers Tony as if it's an afterthought. "Don't be an idiot. Of course you have me." For however long that turns out to be.

[letmetakeaselfie]

He laughs, though it's watery; almost unnatural sounding. It's so much like something Pepper would say to him he almost can't stand it. But it's also nice to have the validation. More than. "See? Rude." Not that he'd have it any other way. The people closest to him had to know how to dish it back or he'd just run off and hang himself with all the rope they gave him.

"I know I do," he assures, following his procedure of pressing his ear to Cap's heartbeat, letting its steady rhythm fill his head and take everything else away. "Sorry you didn't know... my thing. I'm working on that." Steve knows as much, and the apology probably isn't necessary, but he feels bad that there was even one shred of doubt - especially since he feels like he's done so much to cater to Tony and his neuroses. The security system, moving in here, the vacation. Not that the super soldier was any stranger to the whims of eccentric billionaires.

[valuedstrength]

"You don't have to apologize for that." Steve had to lead with that. He feels like he's partly to blame. It's so hard for him to work out his value as a person outside of being Cap. It's difficult to know how others feel towards him when he isn't jumping to protect them from every enemy they face.

"Even if my best friend didn't come back from the dead, I'd still have a lot of stuff to work out. It's hard to see things that are probably right in front of me." He gently runs his hand up and down Tony's back, hoping to console him a little. Tony is still the one physically healing here. He'd like to have him focusing solely on that even if it's not really possible for someone like Tony Stark.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"I thought I was your best friend," he jabs, not serious in the least. The gentle attentions make it impossible to keep his eyes open, hand slacking in Steve's shirt some as he becomes more or less a lump against him. He hadn't really given himself much time to recover, but after a few hefty lectures he was trying to lay off a little more. Which still wasn't to the satisfaction of his doctors and Pepper, but he's still healing fast. Imagine that.

The nasty scar gives him something else to be self-conscious about in the wake of the reactor, so at least he doesn't have to lose this rough self-flagellating exterior he's built up. Small victories, and all that. "We both have issues, yep. Think we covered that one during our first session, Captain."

[valuedstrength]

"You are," Steve assures him quickly. It's said like an afterthought. Isn't it painfully obvious? "You can have more than one. Imagine that." That is a little more sarcastic. Whatever Tony's a dope. No surprise there.

"Should I be coming up with new material? I don't think I ever told you how much I loved those little toy soldiers as a kid."

[letmetakeaselfie]

Oh. Oh. It gets him like someone reaching inside and flipping a switch, and suddenly he's holding back tears. Why did it hit him like that? He feels so stupid. "Well... good," he manages, his voice wavering even more than before. "Because you and Rhodey are pretty much a tie." If Steve isn't even coming out a little ahead these days.

"And as long as you didn't love them a little too much..." Oh yeah, Cap's half-gay or whatever that was probably insensitive. He barks out an unstablish sounding laugh and shakes his head against Steve's shoulder. "Foot in mouth, record time."

[valuedstrength]

"Tony..." He didn't mean to set off intense feels. Steve's just being honest. Then of course he follows up with that. Steve just stares at him unsure whether to be offended or trying to use this as a teachable moment. He can only speak to his experience, but uh it doesn't really work that way. Show some sensitivity!! Some people aren't so highly evolved etc etc.

"Wow you actually said that. Yeah looking back it was playing with a toy every other boy played with that let me know 'hey I could date a guy too, huh?'" He shakes his head like Tony no. Who taught you anything??

[letmetakeaselfie]

Listen he never would have said that to anyone but a heteronormative dude like himself (okay) or you know, Cap. But he wasn't thinking about him being bi when he said it. Because he doesn't think about him being bi ever (gross!) - yeah no, that was bad. Pepper probably would have hit him bad.

"Bad joke. Like. Whole new level of terrible." He pulls away a little to grimace. This is his apology face, you can keep doing that back rub thing. Sighs. He ruins everything. "...What did make you realize that though? Uh. I mean. If you... want to answer." Is that better???? Christ.

[valuedstrength]

No, he can't. You don't get rewarded for suggesting his choice of toys as a kid made him like guys sometimes. Steve will give an honest answer to that. "Sam mostly. I always had trouble with women, but that had more to do to with the fact that I wasn't attractive to them until I was for all the wrong reasons. Peggy was the exception to that."

Steve pauses a bit as if trying to find a better way to explain it. "I never really ruled it out. I just didn't know who'd be the one I'd connect with until Sam came around. If we didn't work out, I wouldn't run off to the next guy, you know? I'd just wait to see who I felt that way towards again."

[letmetakeaselfie]

This time he's careful, deliberate. He's not about to blurt out something else stupid when he clearly hit a nerve. Maybe he should apologize for real, damn. And when he and Sam had gotten together, Tony had begun to understand why that weird out-of-left-field confession about his dad meant something. Because something could have happened, if they'd both been up front about it or whatever.

All of this is only now slotting together, because he's a dick. And he feels like one. He no longer thinks he deserves back-rubs, actually backing off enough to put a bit of distance between them, though he can't bring himself to completely untangle their legs, foot still resting against Steve's calf.

"Dude, I'm sorry. I've never had a friend who was... you know. I don't know the etiquette." It's all earnest, even if it's also completely high school. He knows it is, too. Tony wraps his hands in his pillowcase and sighs. "Or like any friend etiquette. Or any etiquette ever. Should I introduce myself again?" Hi I'm Anthony Dicknose Stark. Sigh sigh sighs some more.

[valuedstrength]

Steve watches him struggle through this. He doesn't take any pleasure in putting him on the spot like this. At the same time, yeah that did strike a nerve. He wants his best friend to accept him for who he is. Since he seems to despite being hideously inept.

"Apology accepted." Really. It's that easy. "Just try not to make fun, alright?" A beat. "I mean if you want to laugh because I can't stop talking about how great he is that's fine. I do it all the time when I'm alone. Did I really need to tell the lady at the grocery store I needed flour because my boyfriend was making me the world's greatest pancakes? Probably not."

[letmetakeaselfie]

"I wasn't making fun--" he starts to interject, but even on the deep relief he feels at being forgiven for the momentary blunder, he finds himself laughing outright at that. It hurts to laugh that hard, but he can't stop. God Steve. "He does make really great pancakes though."

He laughed so hard he dislodged a tear, and he shakes his head as he wipes it away. "You know I like Sam. And I don't care about... whatever. All that stuff. I never really saw the point in worrying about it, which is probably why I say shit without thinking. But I do reserve the right to laugh at how disgusting you two are." Which is totally hypocritical because he and Pepper are just as gross lbr.

"Disgusting like. Sweet, cute, sacharin -- gummy bear gross. Not." Fuck.

[valuedstrength]

Now it's Steve's turn to laugh. It's a good thing too. He might have to be offended by how hilarious Tony finds his sugar sweet love life otherwise. Of course now he's overthinking it or has really bad luck. Who could ever say when it came to Tony Stark?

"I get it. You're fine." Steve very gently knocks his hand into his shoulder."You're such a goof ball."

[letmetakeaselfie]

He laughs again, softer, and at his own expense this time. His body sways a little even for how gentle Steve is and he shakes his head, leaning in on conspiracy. "So you guys are public now. And saying the B-F words. Wow. That's intense." Intensity Tony clearly approves off or he wouldn't be goofy about it at all. It's so nice to see Steve happy - he deserves that. "Is that gonna be a thing? I mean. Because you're you."

One eyebrow shoots up and for a second he's afraid he overstepped again. "I just mean... when me and Pepper came out, it was a big thing. Because I'm me." But not only is Captain America taken, he's taken by a fellow hero. And a man to boot. He's sure there will be uproar just like there was for him. Negative and positive attention both. And sometimes the positive was creepy so you kind of welcomed the boos until that got crazy too. Having fans is weird. But he knows Cap has an issue with the way his image makes him infallible and all. Tony wouldn't be surprised if he used his relationship with Sam in some cool, positive way. He likes to think he did that by making Pepper CEO, especially since SI runs so much smoother with her at the helm.

[valuedstrength]

Steve sobers up quickly. He's thought about it a lot, of course. He still has yet to bring it up to Sam for all the soul searching he's done because while it's not a big deal to him, it is to the kid who just wants to be with the person they love regardless of their gender. They could use every example they can get that they're not weird or messed up. Love is completely normal for how insane it is. "I don't know. That's really up to Sam." He shrugs too casually. "I know it would mean a lot to people and I'm not exactly hiding it." Seriously he casually mentions this stuff to everyone. The cashier knows he has a boyfriend for crying out loud.

"But I'm not really the kind of guy who writes a press release for every little thing he does. We'll talk it over and see where we're going from there." He really can't decide this alone.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Okay... right." He frowns. It's thoughtful and a very Steve answer, but he doesn't feel like it directly lines up with his question. Something that bothers him with everyone at some time or another, and he has a hard time letting it go. Especially because for as dumb as he is about this stuff, he knows Captain America showing kids and everyone it's no big deal to love who you love no matter what color they are or what they have between their legs -- well. That is a big deal. A bigger deal than any press release by Iron Man, okay. He gets it. Some things are bigger than his ego.

"But you told the girl at the check-out counter. And she's gonna tell all her girlfriends. And if you told her, you probably told others. And hello, best friend here, ring ring Hey Tony. Yes, Cap? Sam and me are using the boyfriend word isn't that great? Totally tubular, squirrelfriend."

There's a pause... "Do you get where I'm going with this?" No one ever gets u Tony bae.

now i can sleep peacefully

[valuedstrength]

He stares at Tony because that's really the only appropriate answer here. Rethink your life buddy. There are important social issues going on here!!! This isn't about hearing about it first. "Am I supposed to text you relationship updates now?" He pokes Tony's forehead. "Shouldn't you be focusing on getting better and not want I tell the other people about my love life?"

There's a long pause. "Please don't ever call me squirrelfriend again. You sound like a hyperactive toddler."

yes good bc this is so important

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Well, yeah, cause we're besties." Duh. But he takes his lumps and pokes with relative grace, though he goes briefly cross-eyed from the well deserved gesture. "Alright, alright. Bigger issue: and more to my actual point..."

Tony worries his lip nervously, wondering not for the first time tonight if he should just abandon this line of questioning. Is he stepping over the best friends line? Is there one of those? He tries to compare this to his relationship with Rhodes, but there's really nothing similar about it. They don't get this personal even if there's no actual line to speak of there either. Eventually, he just decides to blurt it out because otherwise Cap is just going to tease him out of it. Maybe that's what BFF means? He'll figure it out -- someday.

"You're you, and he's him. And you don't have to have a press release, but you might want to because... well. Someone's going to sell the story to TMZ and you'll be asked for a statement and it's so much better to just spin it yourself so you can say what you want and not have someone selling video of you guys running together." That was a whole burst of words said on one breath. So maybe he's a hyperactive toddler, so what. He worries about shit like this because he knows Steve cares about how he's perceived. Not in his personal life, but as Cap. And to everyone else, the two are one in the same. "Just, think about it. Pepper can always help you guys with it if that's the way you want to fly. I'm going to shut up now," he tacks onto the end, grinning a little lopsidedly. Take it or leave it, bud, he'll continue obsessing about this in his head instead of to your face.

[valuedstrength]

"I know." It's clear from the look in the eyes he appreciates the thought. Steve is pretty self-aware. This is hardly the first time he pushed boundaries. His entire team was a boundary pusher. It's harder when it relates to his personal life. He wants to keep his business private. It's unlikely he'll get his wish. He'd rather not get cornered at the deli like he's some kind of criminal for dating who he wants.

"I'll talk to Pepper right after him. I know she has our back." More importantly, she knows how to spin. Steve's idea of telling people things is more or less telling them and then saying deal with it. He'll need something better if that's where Sam wants to go with this.

"You don't think it's kind of presumptuous? I mean what if he doesn't want all this drama?" He frowns and pointedly doesn't ask what he wants to. Steve is kind of paranoid he'll dump him. It is a lot of pressure and unwanted attention.