✪ we walk around pretending we're all grown up ✪

[letmetakeaselfie]

They went to the beach and everything was warm and beautiful for a while. He's immensely glad Steve has found someone to appreciate him as much as he and Pepper do -- especially since Sam shows it better than he ever could. He's also grateful Steve agreed to stay at the Tower when he wasn't in D.C. It did a great deal to ease his mind now that the S.H.I.E.L.D. drama was over with. Or at least, Phase One was over.

It's late and Pepper's sleeping and he's still a little fucked up from his surgery. They told him not to strain himself, which of course he immediately had anyway. He doesn't wait for Steve to come collect him though, hitting the elevator button obediently instead of trying to mount all those stairs -- why did he have so many stairs anyway?

Tony pushes on the door of the training room, knowing the other man is up, punching bags. He's jealous; he just wants to get back to doing dumb shit with his friends. His expression is uncharacteristically wan, soft; very nearly demure. He clears his throat though he also knows Steve has noticed him.

"You missed my bedtime," he criticizes with zero bite, holding up his watch and pointing to its face while still hanging in the doorway -- as if he's afraid to step any closer. Not of Steve, but of what it may symbolize.

Comments

[valuedstrength]

Steve is about as close as happy as a man could get. His friend survived surgery, he's in a good relationship, and has a place to call home complete with a family. He still needs to work out where life is taking him next. Who does he want to be until the world needs Cap again?

The question is coming from a healthier place now. While there will be days where he feels lost or is hurting over what he'll never get back, it's more good than bad now. The person he has to thank for that is of course popping in to remind him of bedtime.

Steve stops hitting the bag, holding it still on the off chance he does accidentally knock it across the room for the hundredth time. Life may be good, but sleep still doesn't come easy to him. The War, what happened on the Hellicarrier, and New York will never really leave him. Sometimes he worries his demons will set off Tony's so just maybe he ought to let him rest on his own. The recovery should knock him flat, right? Apparently not.

"I guess I did." He exhales audibly. It's pretty clear he's been at this for a long while to work up a sweat. "You're policing yourself now?" He smiles in amusement. "Keep this up and you won't need me for anything."

[letmetakeaselfie]

They both have every reason to be happy, and yet here they are. Unable to step on from the past. For a man who had been iced for most of his life and for another who claimed to stake nothing in nostalgia, they were both doing a pretty shitty job of going forward. Sometimes he's not sure if they help each other or just enable each other to perpetuate the cycle.

Tony works his jaw, leaning against the wall now; but still not moving any closer. "Isn't that my line?" he challenges, gaze fleeting though he tries to match it up with Cap's if only for a second.

[valuedstrength]

Steve studies him a moment to see if he really means that before shaking his head. He moves to unwrap his hands. "I'll always need you, Tony." He continues unwrapping his hands without making eye contact. It isn't long before he plows ahead to the follow up.

"So what are you interested in? Another movie night? Ice cream? Do you want to build a snowman?" He smiles at him. Look he stole another of your lines! He's so funny. ;)

[letmetakeaselfie]

Something stutters in his chest at that, and his fingers go to the edge of the reactor automatically, heart bottoming out before reality catches up. It's gone - he sighs.

"Whatever you want, big guy. Though maybe you should shower first." You smell I mean, I need you too. What?

[valuedstrength]

"Whatever I want as long as I smell pretty. I see how it is." Steve points at him accusingly with his free hand before unwrapping the other. He pockets the bandages before heading towards the elevator. He didn't bring any clothes with him to change into which speaks to his original plan.

He intended to wear himself out, head to his room, and crash after a shower there. Tony has a way of making him alter course.

[letmetakeaselfie]

That's him, the course alterer. Though he wouldn't come near Steve in the practice room,, he nudges his shoulder right up next to Steve's arm here. He's also a fucking weirdo, who knew?

"I'm shallow, what can I tell you?" But it's so much meeker than it usually is. He presses Steve's floor and tries not to feel like everything has changed. He's not living on borrowed time anymore, big whup. It's a Friday, whatever whatever. He used to be so good at brushing this stuff aside, but before his shit was also a lot smaller. That's harder to remind himself at times than the rest.

[valuedstrength]

Steve is willing to let things go when it comes to Tony to a point. They are starting to get there by the time he hits the button to his floor. Maybe Tony was a little reluctant to come near before when he couldn't be sure if he would be blown off or not. Steve is here now and willing to play ball so the insecurity isn't linked to him.

The answer is so obvious it practically hits Steve in the face. It's pretty clear Steve is working this out since he keeps sneaking looks at Tony and then peering away thoughtfully.

"That you're having a rough night so you're oddly invested in how I smell?" There are probably nicer ways to give Tony a way to open up, but Steve is kind of a jerk once you reach a certain friendship level so.

[letmetakeaselfie]

The jerk thing works on Tony, even if it also makes him ratchet up his own jerkiness. At least Steve's used to that by now, too. The elevator doors open and for a second he considers just walking away; not saying anything. But he was never good at that. Once provoked, he had to volley back the serve. "There are just certain things a guy should be able to count on," he replies evenly, if a little gruff. Then he stomps off and pushes himself right into Steve's bedroom. So maybe it has nothing to do with Cap sweating a little, but that was kind of obvious before.

Tony studies the room like an oil painting, making sure each piece is in its place. Nothing's changed, not really. Steve's made a home for himself here. There's even a small vitrola by the window, something that would have once made him sneer about nostalgia and foolishness, and now just brings a light smile to his lips. There's a laptop too, naturally, the painting of Peggy still hanging in the heart of the room. He swallows, turning to Steve as he (presumably) follows, looking prickly and vaguely apologetic.

"I'll keep you company while you shower, come on." He waves a hand towards the ensuite bathroom; because this is apparently still super important to him.

[valuedstrength]

Steve watches him look at the room and wonders what he's expecting. He's set down roots here. He has no intention of severing them even if at times he entertains the idea of chasing Bucky down out a misplaced sense of guilt at times.

He saw the museum footage. He knows that Bucky knows everything he said was true so his choices are informed by that. He also knows that Fury has his eye on a man with a metal arm basically ripping apart any HYDRA stronghold they do manage to uncover.

So what is Tony looking for if not signs that Steve is going to jump off the deep end and ruin his life all over again? Then he's being waved off and fine he can take a hint. Steve peels off his shirt as he walks towards the bathroom.

"Thanks. I always worry about getting lonely while I shampoo my hair." He tosses it casually into the hamper before pulling back the curtain so he climb inside. Of course his bathroom has an actual tall bathtub to go with its shower head. He yanks back the curtain so can continue yanking off articles of clothing and tossing them into the hamper. Before long the actual shower head gets turned onto just a little below scalding hot water. Hope you like to sweat, Tony. He has a problem and it's called hating the cold.

[letmetakeaselfie]

It'll be like a sauna :> Tony perches on the toilet and trains his eyes on the shower curtain, following its subtle yet swirly pattern. "Hey, there's no shame in that, Cap. Shampooing is something no man should ever have to do alone."

He can't stay still for long, he never could, so now he's investigating the bathroom, which is about as interesting as a bathroom can be. "You working on anything?" he calls out before moving back into the bedroom to hunt down Steve's sketchbook. You can't fight him about it if you're all wet and soapy!!!!

Returning to his seat, he waits for the other man to answer before opening the sketchbook he'd found on the desk, uncharacteristically courteous (for him). Maybe he's worried about Steve leaving, or of losing him to Sam, or some other childish thing, but mostly he just wants to know what's going through his head. His state of mind. If he's okay.

[valuedstrength]

No, he can't. Steve vaguely protests before pushing onto more important matters like getting clean. He's not about to wreck his sketchbook while getting in a naked wrestling match with Tony Stark. He has shame, alright?

He pops his head out to yell at Tony for invading his privacy before he notices he hasn't actually opened it. Steve moves back in to rinse the soap out of his hair. "Yeah." He starts lathering up some soap anxiously away from the spray of water. "You're not going to want to look at all that."

It's not unusual for him to capture images of the past. There is a painting of his first love hanging up in his room. They're mixed in with images of Pepper, Tony, Bruce, Natasha, and Sam in candid moments. One page is Sam clearly counseling someone off screen, another is Pepper lounging on the beach with Tony, then another is Bucky as a child, followed by the bombed out bar in London, what might have been trenches at one point that have been aggressively scribbled over, an incredibly detailed image of Bucky's metal arm, blank pages... and back to his friends. That's about where his head is at right now.

[letmetakeaselfie]

He tips his head at Cap as if to say See, I can behave. But it isn't really about that. It's just respect, plain and simple. His curiousity wins out at Steve's insistence he won't want to see them, and that's when he finally cracks open the book. "I'll scroll past the naughty ones," he pledges, too used to tablets and holograms to say 'flip past.' The ones of Sam actually just make him smile all over again though, satisfied that he feels no jealousy. Hating that he has to check and doublecheck himself for things like that, but at least he does it right? At least he's aware of his own compulsions.

Resting on the page of Pepper and himself for a long time, he gently traces over her hair on the page, struck by how well it captures that moment. That was right before they'd ditched Sam and Steve for a nooner, but hey. Details. His smile turns into a grin. But it quickly fades as he gets to the Bucky stuff, jawline hardening and brow set. This is still the man who killed his parents. Not of his own cogniscence, and they were shitty parents, but it still fills him with gross churny conflict in his tummy area.

The one of Bucky's arm is actually incredible to him, that Steve paid that much attention - of course he did - but he's already reverse-engineering it in his mind. Which leads to a bubbling up of empathy for Bucky to match his hatred. More conflicty feelings for sure, but the impersonal nature of this drawing is comforting to him. Familiar.

"Are you any closer?" he asks suddenly, knowing Steve will be out soon and wanting to breech the subject before he looses nerve. "To finding him."

[valuedstrength]

"No." It's clearly paining him. His best friend is alive and he can't even talk to him. "The only way to get an idea of where he's even going is to track down HYDRA and even then you're more likely to show up after the fire has been taken care of." Literal fires. It's the same pattern; he slaughters anyone who isn't part of an 'incentives' program and destroys the place.

"The problem is he's going to run out of known HYDRA targets eventually." Which will lead him back to Russia according to Natasha's files if he sticks with his obvious revenge plot and he will. Bucky always sees things through to the end. Even that might be fine if he survives going against old spooks. What happens when everyone he holds accountable is dead? It's that question that haunts Steve because he knows the answer. He lengthens out the shower to avoid having Tony see the look on his face as acknowledges yet again Bucky will probably end this by putting a bullet in his own head.

[letmetakeaselfie]

Though he knew it would be a loaded question, he still wasn't prepared for the gravity of the answer. He'd been doing his own searched, on the down-low. On the dark net, and anywhere else S.H.I.E.L.D. or Nat couldn't gain access. Tony closes the book and sets it on his knee. If Steve wants to show him the rest, he will.

"You know, Cap..." His own expression grows a little grim, looking down at his feet on the tile. A part of him just wants to let Bucky run the way he's been running. Destroy HYDRA, probably destroy himself. He could live with that, but he couldn't live with what it did to Steve. His heart constricts, and it takes him almost a full second to stop listening for the whirring sound alongside it. "You've taught me a lot about trust. And other stuff, too. But."

He had never outright trusted anyone without some display or research that said he should. Steve had been the exception to that, and ever since he had trusted in his word, too. His friends. Natashalie and Sam were good people, they weren't trying to take him away from Tony. They understood the familial connection more than anyone else, in fact. His fingers trace idly over the cover of the sketchpad, blowing out a sigh.

"We're gonna find him, all of us. As long as we trust... trust that he's still in there. Everything will be okay." He knows it's too simple; that it won't go down exactly that way. Not for the first time, he puts himself in Cap's shoes and it's not a pretty place to be. Not that his are any sweeter.

"I'd be doing exactly what you're doing, if it were Rhodey..." He knows his buddy, just like Bucky, would want Tony to kill him if he couldn't do the task himself. Would want to end it and all the hurt he'd wrought, no matter how haplessly. But Tony knows, just like Steve, that he'd never allow it. "We have to trust in him. We have to." His voice picks up a little roughness, sounding almost desperate as he repeats the affirmation. He trusts Bucky as an extension of Steve. And as long as they're on this path Tony isn't going anywhere, no matter how painful it is for him.

[valuedstrength]

Steve looks in his direction even if all he can see is a curtain. It means a lot to hear him say that. Some days he honestly wonders why Tony keeps him around here aside from worrying he'll do something vaguely suicidal otherwise. The rest knocks him off his feet. They talked about being in this together, but he never expected it to come to frustration because it is painful for Tony. He has to put aside his feelings, his loss, in order to help save Bucky. That is a lot to ask, too much in fact, but Tony isn't asking permission. He's already talking like he's part of it. He understands where Steve is coming from which is incredibly overwhelming for him.

Steve cries under the hot spray as quietly as he can. The small hick up and the roughness of his voice as he responds betrays him. "Yeah. You're right." He rubs his face and sighs. "You should probably get out of here. I need to get dressed. You're probably ruining my sketchbook." He lets out a broken sounding laugh. He supposes it's his fault for turning every shower into a sauna. At least he remembered to leave some pajamas in here so he doesn't have to try to avoid crying while holding onto a towel and look for something to wear. He really should buy a bathrobe one of these days.

[letmetakeaselfie]

Tony knows what's happening, but nothing betrays him in his own voice, steady and calm. "Your sketchbook's fine, I'll put it back where I found it... Are you gonna color the one of me and Pep?" He's already getting up to go though, Cap can tell him after he's composed himself.

"Hope I was a good shower buddy," he says, a little wan. A little too serious. He'll be waiting in Steve's room whenever the other man is ready, sitting on the edge of his bed and kicking his feet a little, feeling every bit like the little kid Steve treats him as at times. He really does hope that Cap understands - that he needs him, too. That he wouldn't be here otherwise. That he's not going to stop needing him even if the Avengers stops being a thing or whatever.

[valuedstrength]

He's out a few minutes later in a pair of soft pajama pants and cotton t-shirt. His eyes and face are red, but otherwise he seems fine, only a little tired. Steve wastes no time crossing over to the bed in order to join Tony on the edge when he'd really just like to collapse on it. It's been a day.

"I am going to color it. It's one of my favorites." Tony will know what he means.

[letmetakeaselfie]

He wouldn't take offense, but he knows there are pretenses to be held up on both sides of the aisle here. Tony gently leans his arm against Steve's, mustering up a tiny ghost of a smile. "Mine, too. She'll love it."

[valuedstrength]

"I hope so. It's going to be a fun to get just the right shade for her hair." He smiles warmly; as if he won't love every second of it. One of his favorite things since his color blindness subsided is trying to capture all those colors on the canvas whenever possible.

It's short lived before he sobers up. He looks at Tony next to him, bright eyed and sincere. "Thank you for what you said in there. It means a lot that you've got my back on this. I know this is really hard for you. I don't want you to think I'm taking you for granted."

He shakes his head at the thought. "I'm not. I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me." He ducks his head and can't bring himself to say anymore. Steve doesn't why he's so emotional all the sudden. Is it all finally catching up to him?

[letmetakeaselfie]

Tony gets it, having been there enough times himself. It's time for him to give back, and show even a fraction of the kindness he'd been dealt. "Come on, big guy, get under the blankies." He nudges at Steve gently, still a little tender himself but he's not about to let that stop him.

"It's not quite orange, but not gold either, right?" he asks about Pepper's hair while he builds up to the good stuff, holding up the sheets for Steve to climb under. He'll dive in himself right after with zero hesitation. It's funny how for him, he's the only one who needs to be grateful. Steve must feel the same way. They make quite a pair.

"I don't think that," Tony remarks softly, finally responding as he tries to draw Steve in against his freshly whole chest. "And it's okay. If things weren't hard they'd be boring, and that's a fate worse than death, right?"

[valuedstrength]

"That's it." Steve murmurs as he numbly follows directions. He feels like a little kid all over again. The comfort of being safe under warm covers is immediate. He only hesitates a moment before allowing himself to be drawn in. Steve realizes more than ever just how tired he is. Somehow he feels like a kid and a million years old at once.

"Probably for you." He smiles weakly. "I could use boring not that I'll ever get it around you."

[letmetakeaselfie]

"Yeah, yeah. Says the guy who's always going on secret missions and shit." Tony's hand gently cups the back of Steve's neck, fingers idly playing in the short hairs there. "But if I wasn't around you'd just be a grumpy grandpa, is that it?"

It isn't challenging, like it usually might be. No jealousy either as he'd sussed out earlier. For once Tony feels secure in the knowledge that his own motives are pure, and maybe that's what gives him the strength to dive back into the heart of the issue.

"No one takes me for granted. The suit sometimes, sure. But me? It's kind of great to even be in a position to get taken advantage of." There's a beat, that sounded so wrong. He doesn't know how to say it, but hopefully his muddled words will get across as they usually seem to. "Or you know, whatever."

[valuedstrength]

Steve nestles in, trying to figure out the appropriate distant between them since Tony still is tender from surgery. He doesn't need a giant knocking into his healing chest by mistake. He stops fussing when Tony's hand settles on the back of his neck. He frowns indignantly at the question before the real ones come. While they're badly put he does get it. No one ever assumes that much of Tony Stark. He's the nut job, screw up, mess, insert your comment here of this and really every group.

Except Steve doesn't really see it that way. He sees someone flawed and hurting. That someone is helping him right now when he feels like he's going to fall apart. "I get it. You don't get to be the stable-ish one that often." He undoubtedly is right now. "I don't like being this way." He's bleeding where everyone can see him. It doesn't feel right.

[letmetakeaselfie]

"The stable-ish one." He wants to be offended, but he simply doesn't have the energy. Doesn't want to feel anything negative for Steve now in any case, even if it were deserved. Which it isn't - it very rarely if ever is. "You're rude for the pillar of America." It only makes him hold Steve tighter, wanting him to feel in some physical way that he never has to face all this alone. It makes his skin pull unpleasantly under his clothes, but he doesn't even really notice or register the pain. It feels phantom after so long with a hole in the middle of him.

"You got me. I'm the one they said was too unstable to be an Avenger when they have a giant green guy smashing shit up no problem. But lil' old me? No can do." He says it breezily of course, not that it doesn't still bother him -- still hurt, a little. "But I'm the one who got you back. That makes me the most valuable guy on the planet."

And if he can keep Cap safe then maybe he really is. He doesn't want Steve to feel this way either. He knows he can't fix it the way he fixes his other problems; all he can do is wait, and he sucks at waiting.

[valuedstrength]

Steve raises his eyebrows in agreement at being called rude. He really is. There's no denying it. The rest he doesn't know how to deal with. He agrees that report was hideously wrong especially when you factor in who else was meant to be on the team. He can't agree with the rest.

Steve starts awkwardly, "Not to dismiss your value, but I really think you're overselling me here. I'm not the pillar of anything or really-" Worth getting back. What can he do? What is he really worth when it's all said and done? Steve only feels valuable when he's giving away pieces of himself in order to save the day.