ϟ you're my guiding lightning strike ϟ

[laggard]

❝Love hurts but sometimes it's a good hurt; that makes me feel like I'm alive.❞

Sam waited up for him, though he didn't know if tonight would be the night. He knows he's needed at the Tower, by his family, and that isn't a question. He can't hog all of Steve's attention all of the time, as much as he wishes there was a way he could sometimes. But he has the VA and his runs... which only feel infinitely lonely and full of inurgency without Steve there to berate him into giving his all. Everything has a desolate edge to it, even his morning coffee -- the pancakes he's making now at too-late/too-early o-clock with the flour he'd sent Steve to the store for last week.

He sprinkles blueberries in the batter and sighs, trying to have hope. He doesn't think of himself as a mopey, needy sort of guy, but when it comes to Steve... It's hard to be away. Harder than he'd ever thought.

It's five a.m. and there's a knock at the door. Sam frowns, looking down at himself. As much as he'd wanted Steve to come home today he wasn't anywhere near ready. He doesn't actually think it's Steve. He thinks it's work or some bullshit secret project. He doesn't want either, not now, not when he'd wanted to wallow in how much he misses his boyfriend in like a metric ton of pancakes.

What? It's totally healthy.

Plating up the cakes on the griddle so they don't burn while he sees to whatever it is he's sure he doesn't want to deal with, Sam goes to the door and flings it open -- wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that's unmistakably Steve's, looking more tired than he has in a long time. When he sees that it isn't the VA or any sort of drama he has to see to with his wings, he smiles softly, cocking his hip against the doorway to effectively block Steve's entry, at least for the moment, arms coming up to cross over his chest.

"Well, hey there, stranger." Something in his chest dislodges and breaks free at just the sight of the other man, standing on his doorstep like he had so many months ago, a stray dog looking for pets. It's so endearing he almost pulls Steve into his arms right then, but he refrains. Again, just for a second. He has to get his licks in somehow.

Comments

[valuedstrength]

"Hey." Steve stands there with his hands in his pockets. He is all geared up for a serious conversation about them. The seriousness kind of unravels once he lays eyes on Sam. There's the usual excitement, but it's colored by concern. He does look tired and....

Is that his shirt? Wow he really is wearing his shirt. Okay.

"So you're stealing my shirt and you won't let me in? Kind of harsh..." The scent finally hits him. Steve tries glancing past him not unlike a hungry pet. "Are those blueberry pancakes?" He looks at Sam pleadingly. Are you really going to deny him pancakes??? He saved the world like three times!!

[laggard]

Sam isn't geared up for anything like that, ducking his head and biting into his lip at being called out. He'd actually forgotten about the pancakes, turning his head in an oh yeah sort of thing before stepping out onto the stoop even though it's damn cold out here.

"I think you know you owe me something first," he points out, sticking his hands on his own hips sternly and lifting an eyebrow.

[valuedstrength]

Wait what does he owe him? Help he freezes when love interests put him on the spot. Steve fumbles uselessly. "Is it a sorry?" That feels right-ish? "Because I am. I should give more notice before I show up at your doorstep." A beat. "I also missed you." He smiles. Did he get it right? Can he have pancakes now??

[laggard]

Oh my god stop, Steve. You're like actually breaking his brain with how adorable you are. Sam rolls his eyes, dropping his hands from his hips and looking down into the other man's eyes, since he still hasn't let Steve on the top most step. Ignoring that fact, he braces one hand against Steve's bicep and curls the other around the back of his neck, reeling him in until their lips collide. If anyone's out this time of morning the internet is going to be a fun place today. Sam doesn't linger too long, though the compulsion is there. As aforementioned it's damn cold out here and Steve has a coat so, yes, you're being tugged inside now Captain, even as Sam runs his tongue across the inside of his lips to catch any lingering taste of him. "Hello kiss." That's what you owed him. "Dumbass." That's just what you are.

[valuedstrength]

His kisses him back eagerly. Steve isn't even thinking about it. He lets himself be tugged in even as he keeps Sam close. It is cold out here. He's more than willing to sacrifice space for the keeping Sam warm cause. Steve is noble like that.

"Hello kisses are for inside the warm house." Duh. He presses a kiss against his cheek before releasing his hold so he can check out those pancakes. "I'm trying to be considerate here."

[laggard]

He tips his cheek to better receive the kiss, allowing Steve to break away even as he trails after, tugging on the sleeve of his jacket. "Come on, don't track the snow through the house. I'll finish breakfast."

It's ridiculously domestic and he knows it, but dammit take off your shoes and shit man. He is pouring them coffee and getting out the organic maple syrup and generally keeping himself moving so he doesn't cling. He has missed Steve, so much, but he'd have plenty of time to show him. The way he figures it, New York got a week with him and now this one is all his.

"How are the Starks?" he asks, lip curling up a little without him looking up from his preparations.

[valuedstrength]

Steve does a double take because oh yeah getting comfortable is a thing? He moves to sit down to get his shoes off properly. He appreciates the domestic. It doesn't come easy to him still. He'll get it eventually if there is such a thing in their future.

Steve looks up briefly. "Oh you know; one's a pleasure and the other one is being a pain in the ass." Guess which is which. Go ahead. Steve moves to unzip his jacket once his shoes are off. "Tony doesn't want to take it easy."

He tries not to feel self-conscious that Tony's actually coming up and will even more soon. It's clear Steve is being troubled by something even if he's determined to simply enjoy being back here a little longer. It is comfortable here; it's always comfortable with Sam. It's little wonder he doesn't want to share this so readily.

[laggard]

"You knew he wouldn't," Sam comments offhand, and while it seems like he isn't paying attention, he's very in tune to how off Steve seems. Coming over here this early without a call was indicator enough tbh. He'll give him to the end of breakfast to spit it out, though, because he's gracious like that.

He puts two plates on the table, pouring more batter in because he knows Steve will go through what he's already made in no time at all. It really shouldn't be this endearing either, but it is. He makes Steve's coffee up too the way he likes it and sets it by the syrup. "Eat up before they get cold," he orders, but settles in to watch him do just that as he makes up the rest of the pancakes and drinks his coffee leisurely. It's hard for him not to just enjoy having him back -- he can sweat the rest later right? Unless it's bad news. God, he hopes it isn't bad news.

[valuedstrength]

"I did." Which is exactly why he hung around so long. It's not easy for him to settle, but the shift is taking place. Steve likes to think one day Sam won't have to tell him to take off his shoes and relax. He can do it all on his own. Maybe it's arrogant to assume they'll be together next week much less long enough for Steve to get over his hangups, but he's always had a good feeling about Sam. It feels like fate just as much as it did with Peggy.

He goes to take a seat at the table, all thoughts about epic romances put aside for the moment. It's impossible to focus on the big things when Sam's cooking is involved. "You spoil me." The gratitude for that is dripping from his voice. Steve digs in without any further reservation.

[laggard]

He hopes for that too, often on the same wavelength about such things. But he doesn't want to rush anything between them, it's too sweet as it is already. Sam rolls his eyes at the comment.

"I didn't even know you were coming. How do you know these weren't for my other boyfriend." A tease, obviously. Sam scarcely talks to anyone else outside of his clinics, and this week had been a lonely one no question. That should be obvious too in the way he drops the rest of the pancakes on the communal plate in front of Steve before joining him at the counter, actually scooting his stool closer so their elbows bump when he starts in.

[valuedstrength]

Steve lets out an amused huff between bites. "Because I'm the favorite boyfriend. The favorite gets all the pancakes." It's said with the maturity befitting Captain America. To be fair, Steve is pretty high on the moment. They're eating together and Sam is close enough to touch. Everything feels great even if he'll have to get serious on him soon.

[laggard]

Caught between a laugh and something harsher, he tips to the side for just a second, reveling in the feeling of Steve's warmth against his side. "If you say it, it has to be true." It's as good as an admission, going back to his food with a barely perceptible smile.

[valuedstrength]

"I am always honest." Steve remarks casually as he continues to inhale the pancakes. He leans back into Sam. He might actually sigh if he could stop eating for five seconds. What was he getting so worked up about again?

[laggard]

"Kind of my point," he volleys back softly, drinking some coffee and picking through his food at a much more normal pace. Maybe even a little slower than he might usually. It's more fun to watch Steve anyway. "You always race down here and wear yourself out." He's clearly endeared, free hand reaching up to the back of Steve's neck, fingers delving into his hair and rubbing against his scalp.

[valuedstrength]

Steve finally stops eating long enough to drink some of the coffee. It's hard to pig out when Sam's fingers are in his hair. He looks at the other man with a subdued, soft smile. "I haven't found a way to clone myself yet so..."

He pauses only briefly before cutting the jokes entirely. "I missed you. They're my family, but still. I needed to see you."

[laggard]

"Don't even think about it, Captain," he admonishes gently, keeping up his soft attentions and his expression going soft as a result. "I know."

Knew that Steve needed his family. And knew that he needed Sam. And because he wasn't authorizing Cap-clones, he's basically resigning himself to this maddening tug and pull. It's better than not getting Steve at all, right?

"I get it." And he does. He wants Steve to have everything he needs, not just the things he can personally give him.

[valuedstrength]

Steve shuts his eyes and revels in the comfort for a moment. He really is spoiled. He knows he's a jerk and probably takes Sam for granted and... he should really stop beating himself up for five minutes. His eyes flicker open and meet Sam's. He looks anxious and somewhat pathetic. What if this is too much? The thought won't stop flashing in his head.

"There's something I need to talk to you about. Do you want to wait until after breakfast?" That sounds ominous, but it can only really hurt him, right? Sam can always move onto someone better. He's actually got a handle on his life. Steve is the loser of the two.

[laggard]

His fingers pause, but his hand stays where it is, eyes falling to their plates before roaming up to meet Cap's. There's concern in his eyes, worried Steve might want out before they've even begun. His chest constricts but he finds himself shaking his head, gently pushing his fingers through Steve's hair one last time before giving his full attention back to his meal.

"No. Go now," he urges, taking a few bites of pancake in case whatever Steve says make him lose his appetite. He tries to tell himself he's being dramatic, that things will all work out. But it's hard when out of the whole world, Captain America picked you to hang out with. He's scared to put Steve on any sort of restriction or hard and fast rule, trying to just take comfort in the haphazard moments he's here. But it's hard sometimes, for someone who thrives on order and consistency.

[valuedstrength]

Steve straightens up. His heart picks up its pace and his mouth goes dry as he looks everywhere, but Sam. He almost wants to call the whole thing off so they can go back to them. They're great. They don't need everyone else's drama and judgments, but he can't leave it be now.

He sighs. "Tony and I were talking. He said something and kind of got us off on a weird tangent. We ended up talking about..." He gestures back and forth to indicate them. "He thinks we should be more forward about our relationship so someone doesn't come along to make it into something it's not." His jaw sets. The thought that someone may try to convince everyone that he's ashamed of himself or Sam is infuriating. At the same time, it's real. That's how they always spin these things.

Steve shrugs, visibly deflating. "You know me. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I think he has a point. I guess I was just wondering what you think. I'm used to people getting upset with me for not living up to the Captain America they envision. You don't have to deal with any of this." He forces himself to look at Sam again. He's so sincere even as his heart is breaking. He doesn't want to be selfless. He wants to eat pancakes with his boyfriend. Steve knows he needs to do what's best for Sam first. "If you want out, I understand completely. You do good work, Sam. I know you don't need the distraction."

[laggard]

Conversations that start with Tony aren't generally the best ones. Except for that time it was just a vacation, actually, and nothing bad happened on it. He's still a little in shock over that himself. Turning toward Steve to listen completely, his hand runs down over the man's arm in a reassuring gesture. He does everything in his power to make sure Steve knows he isn't going anywhere, and still he tests Sam's patience. It really is unending though, so all he can do for it is shake his head.

"I think it's a good idea," he says finally, once he's sure Cap doesn't have anything else. He squeezes his forearm and leans in even a little more. "Where do we start?"

Just like with Bucky, it's a no-brainer for him. If it's important to Steve then it's important to him and he'll stop anyone who tries to get in their way. He knows all he can do is this; replying in cool confidence when Steve goes off on self-flaggellating tangents. He'll save the real reassurances for when they're in bed, something he'd dreaded all week but now that Cap is here it's like a whole new room. He wants to spend as much time in it as he can.

[valuedstrength]

"With Pepper. I'm not going to pretend I have any clue how to make it all come out the way that it should." He can come up with a speech at the drop of a hat to rally the troops. He can sway individuals to his side with much less. When it comes to dealing with press, he doesn't know what to say aside from unhelpfully telling them to deal with it. Maybe it's because he's not very good at dealing with insincere people. There's a reason he avoids most politicians like the plague.

"It can wait until after breakfast..." Steve pauses a moment before gently pushing his luck, "And a nap...?" He misses just laying in bed with Sam. It probably doesn't make any sense to drink all this coffee and then sleep, but it doesn't have any physical effect on Steve. He really just needs some time with them and nothing else.

[laggard]

That brings a smile and a little nod, both gentle as he brushes the back of his hand over Steve's face. He knew he had gotten worked up for nothing, waiting for his insides to unknot themselves before leaning in and kissing the corner of Steve's mouth with an outpouring of affection, unable to contain it any longer. His tongue comes up to catch some syrup before he pulls away entirely and wraps his hand back around his coffee cup.

While caffeine does effect Sam, he knows he's sleepy enough that it won't matter. And even if he can't sleep he gets to lay in bed with Steve and watch him, so really he wins either way. "That sounds perfect, babe." He's been trying out different pet names to see what might stick, as he's sure Steve has noticed, leaning his chin on his other hand to watch the other man finish his food. "We can call her later, when humans are awake."

[valuedstrength]

Steve shuts his eyes at the touch. It's hard to believe now there was ever a moment he didn't feel this kind of love and affection. He's so thankful that his heart hurts. His eyes pop right open at the nickname and he has to laugh. "No, not babe. Sorry that was ruined for me. Long story." Aka it has to do with Tony.

Steve nearly goes back to digging in, but stops himself at the last second. His gaze shifts from the food to Sam and it's reverent. There's really no doubting the fact that he thinks he is looking at one of the most extraordinary people he's ever met. "You're so amazing. You know that, right?" In case he was being subtle so far. Steve leans in to steal a proper kiss.

[laggard]

He laughs too, a deep rumble of mirth. Mostly because he knows immediately how it was ruined. He didn't like 'babe' either himself, it didn't feel right. The search continues.

But when Steve leans in for another kiss, he's actually shocked anything could distract him from finishing off his pancakes, a noise of surprise getting lost against his mouth as he immediately leans into the contact. Sam's hand digs into the counter for support, eyelashes fluttering before his eyes close of their own accord, lips moving against Steve's so that he could never doubt his own sincerity or need for him.

"I know," he says finally when the kiss breaks, though he'd almost lost the thread of their conversation, still looking a little glassy eyed as they come open again. "But your breakfast is getting cold and we have a nap train to catch." But he can't help tipping his forehead in against Steve's indulgently anyway, even if it's only for a second.

"God I missed you." It's a sigh, almost involuntary for the way he blows it out against Steve's skin.

[valuedstrength]

The only thing better than Sam's pancakes was the man itself. He doesn't move, just soaks in the contact like it's necessary to his survival. Maybe it is. "Well you don't have to miss me anymore. Breakfast and then bed. No more hold ups." He smiles so wide that his face hurts.

Steve's feeling completely indulged as he resumes eating. It's a weird feeling to get exactly what you want, but there it was. Once he's done, he moves to take Sam's hand and has to laugh when they stick. He should really learn to eat Sam's food more politely. "Maybe a tiny hold up." He realizes belatedly he probably needs to put the dishes in the sink anyways. He moves to do so with a content smile.

[laggard]

Sam rolls his eyes, reaching out impulsively to squeeze Steve's backside through his jeans. Yep, just as satisfying as he thought it would be. Though he'd usually argue, he lets Steve clean up with no protest, watching him as though he hadn't just groped him at all. The most innocent look is this.

"Take your time, I'm enjoying the view."

[valuedstrength]

"Hey!" Steve looks surprised at first, but he's smiling. He doesn't actually take issue with it, but wow way to catch a guy off guard.

Steve plays up his mock offense as he washes up the meager amount of dishes. "I see how it is now. The honeymoon stage is over. Now I'm just eye candy."

[laggard]

He laughs, a deep throaty thing as he goes on unabashedly ogling the other man. "Damn right." Sam props up his chin on his wrist and lifts one eyebrow. "Problem?"

[valuedstrength]

"That depends." He drags out the silence a moment as he sets the plates into the drying rack. "Does the eye candy still get pancakes for breakfast?"

[laggard]

For some reason, it feels like a different question than what it is, and Sam feels inclined to take his time answering it. To many, Steve would seem a simple, straight forward sort of man, but he knew better. While he wasn't one to outright lie or deceive he would say things as stand-ins for other things, requiring one to be an accredited reader between the lines. Sam liked to think he did okay with that, most days.

"The eye candy gets whatever he wants -- so long as he sticks around to be objectified." Sam's eyebrows lift, but he has his own way of getting around subjects that Steve must be familiar with by now. Making breakfast -- or really doing anything -- for Steve made him feel useful; like he was taking care of the other man's needs. And what's the downside of pancakes, really?

[valuedstrength]

That's probably why the work so well. Sam is one of the few who can catch the real meaning behind his words. When he asked Sam if he was doing okay back the world, well he meant it, but what he really wanted to know is if he would ever be okay too. When he asks if the eye candy can get pancakes, he's asking that, but also if Sam will continue to treat him this way no matter how long they're together.

He's satisfied with the answer. He knows Sam is taking care of him in every way he knows how. Steve wraps up the cleaning and starts to dry his hands. "I can live with that." He steps away from the sink once he finishes, towards Sam with a knowing smile. "So nap time?"

[laggard]

The look he gives Steve then is unbelievably soft. He stands silently and reaches out his hand for Steve's. He should probably wash his hands too even if he's nowhere near as messy an eater. His headshake is fond, a part of him still having trouble believing Steve is really here. "Nap time," Sam confirms, leaning in to brush his lips over his, squeezing their hands as he tells himself to simply enjoy the moment. It doesn't matter how long it lasts, how long Steve is here. He has him right now and that's the only thing he should be focusing on.

[valuedstrength]

It melts Steve completely. Not for the first time he is grateful this moment will never really leave him. He'll be able to recall it tomorrow or even a decade from now with perfect clarity. For once his mind doesn't go to the dark conclusion that he'll need it because nothing good ever last. This is one beautiful moment in a series of many to come.

He leans for a quick peck before dragging Sam along to the bedroom. He was promised a nap. He damn well will have one when he has a partner who is an A+ cuddler.

[laggard]

A sly grin comes over his features as he closes the door behind them, spinning to hook his fingers in the hem of Steve's shirt. "Did I mention I missed you?" he asks, voice deliberately soft as he speaks low and close, tugging the item up with care.

[valuedstrength]

Steve lifts his arms obligingly. He smiles soft, sweet, and just a little bit mischievous at the other man. "You know I think you left that part out. Maybe you ought to say it again." He'll say it too a hundred times over. Really did Sam ever doubt his affections? Steve feels like he's the one always fighting off his pathetic sense of self-worth. Sam has no reason to feel that way from Steve's perspective.

[laggard]

It's not that he's insecure -- himself or in them -- he isn't; but he's still human. A little validation never goes amiss, and Steve's response is more than enough. Sam bites gently into his lip as the garment is tugged up and off, revealing firm, smooth skin for him to explore. Possess, more like, since he's already more than familiar with the planes of Steve's flesh. His fingers sink in with a sense of reverence, long eyelashes fluttering as he glances back up at Steve, returning his smile easily.

"I missed you, you fool," he chastises, placing a dry kiss in the center of Steve's chest, fingers running gently down his sides. "Again?" Because he wasn't kidding, he'd say it as many times as Steve wanted to hear it.