penistower | ❄ but the most special are the most lonely ❄

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❄ but the most special are the most lonely ❄

I. ( tony + steve + bruce )

[ tony's face-plate comes up, all but dragging steve over the threshold. he just has to focus on keeping the super soldier awake so they can get to bruce and get patched up. and then everything will be fine - it'll all be fine. nevermind that cap's best friend is now a psycho killer and is totally on the loose and natasha blew up s.h.i.e.l.d. via the interwebs and put a huge target on all of their heads.

at least he's not panicking.

he has no actual way of knowing how injured he personally is under the suit, either. he's in so much shock and so jacked up on adrenaline that anything is possible. he just hopes it isn't beyond the doctor's scope. JARVIS puts in the passcode wirelessly so tony can carry steve through the door, princess-style. ]

Medic? We need a medic... [ the joke dies on his lips, meeting bruce's gaze across the room. god is he a sight for sore eyes. ]

II. ( tony + steve + bruce + pepper )

[ once tony and steve are cleaned up and back in their street clothes, they may as well get ready for the q&a that's coming. there are a lot of things he's still not willing to discuss - peggy and her husband; his father; bucky... but neither of them are going to get a choice. he loves pepper and bruce with all (both) his heart(s) but this is some heavy shit, so instead he just blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

it's also the dumbest. ] Widow will be happy you finally got yourself a date, huh, Cap? [ he nudges the other man's shoulder and looks to everyone else, sorry. that's the best he's got. ]

III. ( tony + steve )

[ tony wanders out to the living room, finding steve out on the couch where he'd left him. he knows just by the unsteady rise and fall of his chest that he's not sleeping. how could either of them after that? without saying a word, he slots his slighter frame in next to him, carefully avoiding both of their injuries and pulling out his phone. ]

I wasn't kidding about that like page, you know. [ he shows cap the facebook fan page that allegedly phil set up. it has a much more flattering image than the twitter. also 14 million something likes. ] You have almost as many fans as me.

[ he's not even being cheeky (much), he has over 19 million. ]

IV. ( tony + pepper )

[ pepper's not up yet and tony hasn't slept yet, which really, if it weren't so commonplace by now might be more traumatic. as it is, he eyes her heels at the base of the bed; she had fallen asleep in her clothes. poor pepper, he'd probably exhausted her and worried her sick with all of this. again, par for their course, but still.

before he can talk himself out of it, he sits on a corner of the bed and goes about trying to get his feet into her shoes. she would totally kill him if she woke up right now, but as they'd established that day they went to the park, it was really hard being short. ] What does she have, elf feet...?

[ he asks the open air, wobbling to his feet and immediately falling to the ground. this wasn't his best laid plan by far. he's just going to lay here for a while. this carpet is soft and his entire body is a bruise. ]

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It's called Troubleman, too. I don't think I ever saw it, but the album is like mood music for the thing. [ he waves a hand. this is so gay but it's kind of delightful. he doesn't know what to do about it. ]

...I'm usually not the supportive friend, so I don't know. Hit me with a pillow if I'm doing it wrong. [ seriously. ]

[Steve nudges him with his hand.] Shut up. I wouldn't even have gotten past this week if it weren't for you. You've got the supportive friend act on lock down. [He won't be accepting any counter arguments on that.]

[ tony looks down at the nudge then back up at steve, smiling his disbelief. ] Yeah? Well, good.

I mean, I knew that. [ validation whore: tony stark. ]

[Steve nudges him again.] This is why you're a dope.

Shut up. [ but there's nothing behind it, pitching forward to rest his head against steve's arm so he couldn't get nudged again. ]

I should show you this old video of my dad. You'd really get a kick out of it. [ he doesn't know why he thought of it just then, but he had, and steve really would find it interesting. ] It's how I created my own element, back when I had heavy metal poisoning and blah blah blah.

[ now that he's thinking about it, had he ever told steve about that? ]

[Steve immediately looks down at Tony with interest. Yes, he would find that fascinating. He's already torn Google apart for any video or audio clips of Howard, but they were all so unnatural and rehearsed to his ears. Steve barely got through them.

He might have asked Tony for a distinction if not for the addition of heavy metal poisoning. Steve quickly looks alarmed.] Don't 'blah blah' after saying you had heavy metal poisoning. What the Hell happened?

[Everyone knew Tony Stark created an element. He didn't exactly make a secret of it. The rest is new information to him.]

Oh, yeah, you were still a popsicle. [ he waves a hand. sorry steve if he's going to be blase about his own life then he's going to do it to you, too. tony picks his head up a little, chin digging into steve's arm so he can look at the other man's face. ]

The arc reactor that I initially created had a palladium core. Palladium is highly toxic so you can guess how that turned out for me. [ can he really tho? ] The thing is, Dad-- Howard, he... he had already figured it out. He just didn't have the 'technology' to execute what I did. So he said.

[ he knows being ten steps ahead of his father had always pissed him off, but it wasn't something tony had done deliberately. they could have been a great team if howard had allowed it. his expression clearly says what can you do? ]

So yeah, the thing that was keeping me alive? Also killing me softly. ...Which is why me and your girlfriend don't get along. Or you know, didn't.

She's kind of growing on me. [ was that too many things to process at once, he pauses. ] Probably shouldn't call her that, considering... [ sam. he smiles in a way that's totally dickish. ]

[He knows a thing or two about infection, toxins, and poisons from the War, but no. Steve can't really imagine how it was for Tony. Rest assured he will be bugging JARVIS for all the details later. He does take note of the fact that Tony seems skeptical of Howard's ability. Steve can't judge for himself since he knew Howard in his twenties and Tony as he neared fifty. It's kind of expected that Tony would have higher skill levels now from experience alone.

Could he be more advanced when they're on an even playing field? It's something Steve hadn't thought of before. The thought is broken up by the mention of a girlfriend. He's confused at first since the only one who ever had something akin to the label was Peggy, but that doesn't make sense in that context. It dawns on him who Tony means comically late. Steve glares down at Tony briefly. There's no real heat behind it as always.]

What are you? Ten? Getting kissed by someone twice doesn't make them your girlfriend. [Yes, twice. He got a goodbye kiss too.] Anyways, you're moving too fast for me. First: what does that have to do with Natasha? Second: get back to the heavy metal poisoning part after you finish with Natasha's part.

Sorry, sorry. [ though he lifts an eyebrow at the 'twice' part. whatever steve your kissing life is your own. tony's still going to comment on it every time tho. the point is he knows he's moving too fast so let's take this down a notch. ]

I stopped drinking, started drinking chlorophyll -- nasty stuff, don't ever do that. Anything I could to minimize the damage while I figured it out. The cores were burning out faster and faster and my blood was filling up with the stuff like a Ford Bronco at the pump. --You missed those cars, also death-traps.

Natasha came to me posing as a new assistant to take Pepper's place after I promoted her to CEO. Which, at first I kind of did because I was dying. [ okay this is getting serious. he needs to slow down even more, he knows. tony pulls back from steve a little so he can have a bit more space to tell this part. ] Natalie Rushman was her cover ID. I trusted her.

We both did. [ a little grimace flickers over his face, but then he shrugs, moving on. it's okay, he's past it. not quite over it, but they had both saved each other's butts since then. he could still be on her team, but that didn't make it easy all the time. ] Anyway... my birthday was coming up and really -- I was just out of ideas. That never happens to me, but there I was. So I decided to go out in style.

[ there's a shadow of a smile at that. it really was a great party. ] Rhodey broke it up with War Machine and we brought the house down -- literally. Then he stole my suit and took it to the government because he also thought I was dying. Well, he knew I was dying, unlike Pepper.

Then I brought her strawberries. [ god he sucks. he rolls his eyes at himself and pushes a hand back through his hair. steve might remember her allergy from the waffle day. anyway -- this is probably getting convoluted again. ]

While I was there, I picked up my father's model from the Expo. That video I was telling you about alluded to it being more than it seemed. I'm in the video and he tells me to get away from the thing. I built a super-collider after the video made me look at the model a different way. Actually, you helped me with that part. Well, your shield. [ he full out grins at that, coulson had been horrified. that guy really grew on tony, too. the smile fades out again, quicker this time. ]

And bam-- non-toxic core, happy Tony. And you know: alive.

[ a pause and a breath. ] ...I know you didn't get all of that so where should I start over?

[This is a series of mental notes Steve took during this entire exchange.

- Tony's hardware was making him sick since it didn't mesh well with the whole organic part of his being.
- Problem got worse as time went on.
- Attempts to minimize damage didn't help.
- Poison/toxins building up? (Car part is irrelevant. Disregard.)

Stop. Steve actually looks a little sad at Natasha's part. Resume.

- Gave up around birthday.
- Decided to go out with a bang. Literally.
- Poor Pepper and Rhodey. :(
- Already know the War Machine situation. (That's a cool name.) Compare and contrast with known information later.
- Was he trying to take Pepper down with him?
- Video was a clue.
- Science.
- ??? Shield prototype? Child! Tony???
- New element goes here...????
- Wait why was Natasha spying on him again????

Steve takes a breath, gathers up his mental notes, and goes for it.]

So Howard knew about the element, left it in a video for you, and one of the shield prototypes helped you build a... super-collider? Or was it in the video? Were you playing with it in the video? What was Natasha doing there posing as someone else? Were doing something illegal during all this?

[He frowns.] I can't believe you got her strawberries. Even I know she's allergic to those.

Oh, right. I left out the SHIELD part. Not illegal, per se... We'll table that. Nick sent Nat... BW in to watch me, because they knew I was dying. They had something to stabilize me but they didn't have a cure because they're not as smart as me. So after the party of the century, she blew her own cover and that's when Nick and I had a little heart-to-heart. About you know, my heart being a piece of crap.

Natalie, Natasha, whatever. She stabbed me with their serum thingy and that kept me from dying, ish. For a little while. While I did all that other stuff with the element creation and being brilliant.

I'll just... I know JARVIS has a copy of the video. We can watch the video right now.

[ but oh god the strawberries. he instantly looks abashed. ] Look. I was distracted. I knew there was... a thing. With Pepper and strawberries. It was a step.

[ but okay fuck this it'll make more sense when steve sees this thing anyway. he gets up with a creak and an oof and digs around on the coffee table until he finds his phone. then after a second he's able to prop it up on a chair so jarvis can makeshift project the film onto the wall. it's kind of a cool effect, and he thinks briefly of the disney version of tarzan since they're on such a kick lately. ]

Just. Yeah. [ he moves once it's rolling, the video opening with howard letting out a string of curses before tony manages to perch himself on the cushion nearest steve. ]

Really, Tony? I didn't get that you were smart the first few times you mentioned it. [Sighing!! It's affectionate at least. Tony felt bad about potentially setting off an allergic reaction. It's really all he can ask for. Besides there are more important things in life like watching videos of your dead friend.

He watches Tony set it up with some interest. Once it starts playing, Steve blinks twice and then lets out a startled laugh. He offers Tony a quick, sheepish look before his gaze returns to the video.] Sorry, it's been a while since I actually saw him act naturally in a video.

[He tore apart Google ages ago for any audio or video clip he could get of Howard. It was disappointing to say the least. Howard never put any heart into any of it. He could clearly hear how forced and rehearsed it all was. This was much closer to the man he remembered even in the first five seconds.]

[ he shrugs a little, helplessly as he leans against steve's side and wraps his arms around himself. no matter how many times he watches this, it still gets him, and steve will know why when it's through. he has to laugh at the super soldier's comment about howard, even if it's a startled bark of a thing.

howard fucks up the intro about five more times before moving into that droning, robot thing about the expo. but there's something in his eyes that speaks his true convictions. this isn't just another howard stark special. though it's briefly broken up by tiny tony in the background and howard screaming for maria to take him away. tony nudges steve and points to the video. ] See, there I am.

Edited (plurals in all the wrong places good lord ) 2014-10-15 06:12 (UTC)

[Steve is charmed up until the moment he starts yelling at the younger Tony. He frowns immediately. It feels like such an overreaction. Tony wasn't hurting anyone and it's not like Howard couldn't afford to waste a couple minutes of footage while he finds something else for him to do...

Steve glances at Tony and forces a smile.] You're smaller than usual. [He takes a deep breath and refocuses on the film. He's still unhappy which is probably why this slips out before Steve can stop himself.] God he's so old. Sometimes I forget.

[ welcome to his childhood steeb. he rubs his forehead against steve's arm briefly like maybe he had an itch but then he's focused again. ]

Yeah. [ tony agrees breathily, watching as his father changed tacks completely. he goes from addressing a crowd to just addressing tony. but he's already out of the room, he's talking to tony now and not tony then. like he knew he wouldn't be there in the end. It represents my life's work. This is the key to the future. he shifts a little, uncomfortably, splitting his attention between howard and steve's reaction.

I'm limited by the technology of my time. ... When you figure this out you'll change the world.

What is and always will be my greatest creation... is you.

he swallows and looks away. ]

[Steve is stunned when Howard starts addressing Tony as he is now. He didn't see it coming at all. It is plain to see by the way his eyes widen. Once the initial shock passes, his brows knit together as he furiously works over the implications of this in his head.

It's unquestionably selfish in Steve's eyes. This whole video plays like an apology Howard can't quite bring himself to make. He could have cut out the part where he snaps over such a trivial offense and made this. Howard didn't. He left it, offered a gift of insane value, and hoped it'd be enough. In a way it's typical behavior from the other man. He couldn't say Schmidt and Zola's work made him feel inadequate. He had to snap and make it Steve's fault for seeing something he didn't want to deal with. He doubts it's a coincidence that as he got to know the other man better he was practically thrown toys. This was how Howard said he cared, that he was sorry, or in Tony's case that he did love him.

Steve is certain that last line is the closest the elder Stark could get to it. God he's so disappointed Howard couldn't get over himself even in a recorded message.

After a long minute, Steve sighs deeply, tearing his eyes away from the wall to Tony. He grimaces and states all too casually.] Well at least he got something right. You are.

[He briefly hesitates. Steve nearly apologizes for how much of a moron his friend is before something occurs to him.] You know I love you, right? I don't think I actually said it out loud, but there you go. I love you.

[He tilts his head to the side as if conceding a point.] And you know I'm grateful that idiot had no idea how valuable his gift would be someday. We wouldn't have met otherwise. Still doesn't change the fact he's a moron, but it's too late to help that.

[ tony's gaze snaps up to meet steve's, shock plain on his face to see. where did that come from...? not that he doesn't appreciate it. he might have laughed in an earlier stage of their weird family relationship, but now it's something he knows. he's internalized it and steve never needed to say it, not really. at least he didn't think so. until he hears it out loud and then it's like the dam breaks and he's just so grateful to have steve in his life. his hand lifts to his face, sniffling a little as he tries to keep the tears at bay, but his eyes are stinging in that telltale way. ]

I... [ he's not his father, is what he really wants to say. but he can use the L word. he was past that point in his therapy okay. he just knows the second he says it to steve he really will cry. ] That was really not what I expected you to get out of that.

[ but it's all true so how can he complain? ]

[Steve smiles sadly. He hates that this tends to be the response he gets. He hates that the best he can do is just let Tony rest against his arm since the other is too messed up to be moving around without drawing attention to it.

It isn't a discomfort for Steve to deal with tears from anyone. He just wishes it was something Tony knew to blow off. It should be a given that the people closest to him feel this way. That's not what they're dealing with here. In light of how close everyone has gotten being murdered in the past few days this talk is way overdue. That doesn't stop Steve from sounding deceptively casual about the subject. It's not as if he's acknowledging the fact he's offered up his battered heart to Tony (and Pepper, Sam, Bruce, Natasha, and the rest of the Avengers.)]

What else should I have gotten from it? I know I've got time on my hands now, but leaving you a video message with a drawing or something to show you're important to me is kind of nuts. I could just tell you and I did.

You... [ it's kind of a funny image, but the laugh gets lodged in his throat. that is kind of what howard did, wasn't it? ] You're important to me too, Steve.

[ he gets a little choked up at the end of that and then the floodgates are open, shaking his head and sobbing in short, concentrated bursts. his hand goes over his eyes as he tries to regain his composure. god why is he even crying, it's not that big of a deal!! (yes it is. to him it is.) ]

Lots of people have fucked up dads, or no dads at all. [ which could have been better, considering. he's pretty sure anything could have been better than the way things turned out, but again. he grimaces, aggressively rubbing the tears from his eyes and getting himself in check. ] I don't have to be such a pussy about it.

[ it's supposed to be a joke, but all he can do is sigh. ] ...I L-word you too, Steve.

[ there's a beat and then he looks up, eyebrows knitting together in that way he has. ]

I... love you. Too.

Edited 2014-10-17 08:01 (UTC)

[Steve doesn't waste any time moving his arm so he can proper embrace the other man as he cries. He grimaces at Tony's choice of words. He wonders if he influenced that. It's not like he ever acknowledges Joseph Rogers exists much less express any feelings towards him. (Largely because they don't exist.) Steve shakes his head in disapproval.] Who-? You know what I'm not even going to ask who put that stupid thought in your head. Just remember it's wrong.

[He holds Tony a little tighter. He knows this hasn't been easy for him given his history. If Tony had never said anything, Steve wouldn't have held it against him. He can tell by the man's actions alone that he cares.

That's what makes it more meaningful to Steve in the end. He can't let the tears go easily, but his eyes are bright and wet. He smiles gratefully since that tugs every heart string he has. He lets out a shaky breath, voice thick with emotion when he thinks of the right thing to say in return.] Thank you for saying it.

[ he doesn't hesitate once steve's arm is around him, winding his around the other man's middle and fisting his free hand in his shirt. he feels so stupid, but steve is affected too, he can tell. it's not dumb if they're both emotional, right? right. ]

Who do you think. [ it's bitter, but flat. he doesn't blame howard for who he was, not anymore. he just wants it to be over and it's never fucking over. he's still learning new things all the time about how bad that guy fucked him. and steve. which is even more unforgivable because steve wasn't even related to the guy. ]

I can say nice things. Just don't tell anyone. [ it manages to be much, much lighter than his previous not-joke, even if it still falls a little early. he clutches steve even tighter and buries his head in his chest. it's okay to let things go here. he's safe here. ]

You can't listen to stuff like that, Tony. [He exhales out a tense breath. It sounds like such hollow advice so he continues.] I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys from my era? Completely insecure. They thought everything made them less of a man. God forbid your friends and loved ones ever figure you might like them. Real men don't like anyone, but are somehow really popular with everyone.

[He laughs softly because it is stupid. It deserves to be laughed at.] The only reason I'm not a total mess was because a poor Irish invalid couldn't possibly be a real man. Really lucked out on that one.

[ he laughs too but it's sob-like so he stops, rubbing his nose against cap's chest and refusing to let go. not that anyone is asking him to. but it's always this unspoken thing about man-hugs that last too long. not that they hadn't shattered that rule a bunch of times already. ]

I don't like anyone, but no one likes me either. It's a mutual thing.

[ and you don't have to be a genius to know steve's illness had humbled him. but tony still thinks he's too breezy about it sometimes. it's hypocritical though and even he knows it. ]

Don't be ridiculous, you're still a total mess. [ his fist bunches around the fabric over steve's shoulder. he might be here a while. ]

[He wouldn't make him let go. His arm is still securely around the other man. Steve is used to their never-ending hugs at this point. Besides, he's already established how he cares for rules. He rolls his eyes fondly at the comment though. Way to call him out there.] Thanks, Tony. You really know how to make a guy feel special.

I'm gonna put that on my resume. [ he announces, slumping back against cap's side to settle without ever letting go. screw it, if it makes them both feel better what harm can there be? and in the same vein, he needs to ask another obnoxious validation question. because at the end of the day, steve still knew howard way better than he did. it didn't matter that he'd had 20 years with the guy. it was all just groundhog day multiplied by what they both witnessed on that reel. ]

...Do you think he'd be proud of me? Or do you think he'd just be pissed? [ he's good with either one even if it never really sat well with him that his father was actually jealous of him once he'd been old enough to understand that's what was going on. but at least that's an emotion. at least it was having some feeling towards his son. he laughs again, but it's dark this time. hollow. ] 20 years later and I'm still asking myself that. Why? Why does it even matter?

[ now that he has a free hand it balls into a fist before he just... let's it all go. it doesn't matter. it does, on some level maybe it will always, but he has people who truly love and support him now. a family. a real one. ]

I think about it a lot. I can't help it. What would he think of Pepper? Of us? Of what SHIELD's become... or I guess. Was? The Avengers.

All of it was so far beyond his scope, but I don't think any of it would have surprised him. Nothing ever did.

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i tried so hard and got so far but in the end midnight was still 2late

asdjhks you had to fall asleep and i guess you didn't really lose it all. whatever.

i survived i guess that's all i can hope for

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