❄ but the most special are the most lonely ❄

[letmetakeaselfie]

I. ( tony + steve + bruce )

[ tony's face-plate comes up, all but dragging steve over the threshold. he just has to focus on keeping the super soldier awake so they can get to bruce and get patched up. and then everything will be fine - it'll all be fine. nevermind that cap's best friend is now a psycho killer and is totally on the loose and natasha blew up s.h.i.e.l.d. via the interwebs and put a huge target on all of their heads.

at least he's not panicking.

he has no actual way of knowing how injured he personally is under the suit, either. he's in so much shock and so jacked up on adrenaline that anything is possible. he just hopes it isn't beyond the doctor's scope. JARVIS puts in the passcode wirelessly so tony can carry steve through the door, princess-style. ]

Medic? We need a medic... [ the joke dies on his lips, meeting bruce's gaze across the room. god is he a sight for sore eyes. ]

II. ( tony + steve + bruce + pepper )

[ once tony and steve are cleaned up and back in their street clothes, they may as well get ready for the q&a that's coming. there are a lot of things he's still not willing to discuss - peggy and her husband; his father; bucky... but neither of them are going to get a choice. he loves pepper and bruce with all (both) his heart(s) but this is some heavy shit, so instead he just blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind.

it's also the dumbest. ] Widow will be happy you finally got yourself a date, huh, Cap? [ he nudges the other man's shoulder and looks to everyone else, sorry. that's the best he's got. ]

III. ( tony + steve )

[ tony wanders out to the living room, finding steve out on the couch where he'd left him. he knows just by the unsteady rise and fall of his chest that he's not sleeping. how could either of them after that? without saying a word, he slots his slighter frame in next to him, carefully avoiding both of their injuries and pulling out his phone. ]

I wasn't kidding about that like page, you know. [ he shows cap the facebook fan page that allegedly phil set up. it has a much more flattering image than the twitter. also 14 million something likes. ] You have almost as many fans as me.

[ he's not even being cheeky (much), he has over 19 million. ]

IV. ( tony + pepper )

[ pepper's not up yet and tony hasn't slept yet, which really, if it weren't so commonplace by now might be more traumatic. as it is, he eyes her heels at the base of the bed; she had fallen asleep in her clothes. poor pepper, he'd probably exhausted her and worried her sick with all of this. again, par for their course, but still.

before he can talk himself out of it, he sits on a corner of the bed and goes about trying to get his feet into her shoes. she would totally kill him if she woke up right now, but as they'd established that day they went to the park, it was really hard being short. ] What does she have, elf feet...?

[ he asks the open air, wobbling to his feet and immediately falling to the ground. this wasn't his best laid plan by far. he's just going to lay here for a while. this carpet is soft and his entire body is a bruise. ]

Comments

[valuedstrength]

[This is a series of mental notes Steve took during this entire exchange.

- Tony's hardware was making him sick since it didn't mesh well with the whole organic part of his being.
- Problem got worse as time went on.
- Attempts to minimize damage didn't help.
- Poison/toxins building up? (Car part is irrelevant. Disregard.)

Stop. Steve actually looks a little sad at Natasha's part. Resume.

- Gave up around birthday.
- Decided to go out with a bang. Literally.
- Poor Pepper and Rhodey. :(
- Already know the War Machine situation. (That's a cool name.) Compare and contrast with known information later.
- Was he trying to take Pepper down with him?
- Video was a clue.
- Science.
- ??? Shield prototype? Child! Tony???
- New element goes here...????
- Wait why was Natasha spying on him again????

Steve takes a breath, gathers up his mental notes, and goes for it.]

So Howard knew about the element, left it in a video for you, and one of the shield prototypes helped you build a... super-collider? Or was it in the video? Were you playing with it in the video? What was Natasha doing there posing as someone else? Were doing something illegal during all this?


[He frowns.] I can't believe you got her strawberries. Even I know she's allergic to those.

[letmetakeaselfie]

Oh, right. I left out the SHIELD part. Not illegal, per se... We'll table that. Nick sent Nat... BW in to watch me, because they knew I was dying. They had something to stabilize me but they didn't have a cure because they're not as smart as me. So after the party of the century, she blew her own cover and that's when Nick and I had a little heart-to-heart. About you know, my heart being a piece of crap.

Natalie, Natasha, whatever. She stabbed me with their serum thingy and that kept me from dying, ish. For a little while. While I did all that other stuff with the element creation and being brilliant.

I'll just... I know JARVIS has a copy of the video. We can watch the video right now.

[ but oh god the strawberries. he instantly looks abashed. ] Look. I was distracted. I knew there was... a thing. With Pepper and strawberries. It was a step.

[ but okay fuck this it'll make more sense when steve sees this thing anyway. he gets up with a creak and an oof and digs around on the coffee table until he finds his phone. then after a second he's able to prop it up on a chair so jarvis can makeshift project the film onto the wall. it's kind of a cool effect, and he thinks briefly of the disney version of tarzan since they're on such a kick lately. ]

Just. Yeah. [ he moves once it's rolling, the video opening with howard letting out a string of curses before tony manages to perch himself on the cushion nearest steve. ]

[valuedstrength]

Really, Tony? I didn't get that you were smart the first few times you mentioned it. [Sighing!! It's affectionate at least. Tony felt bad about potentially setting off an allergic reaction. It's really all he can ask for. Besides there are more important things in life like watching videos of your dead friend.

He watches Tony set it up with some interest. Once it starts playing, Steve blinks twice and then lets out a startled laugh. He offers Tony a quick, sheepish look before his gaze returns to the video.] Sorry, it's been a while since I actually saw him act naturally in a video.

[He tore apart Google ages ago for any audio or video clip he could get of Howard. It was disappointing to say the least. Howard never put any heart into any of it. He could clearly hear how forced and rehearsed it all was. This was much closer to the man he remembered even in the first five seconds.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he shrugs a little, helplessly as he leans against steve's side and wraps his arms around himself. no matter how many times he watches this, it still gets him, and steve will know why when it's through. he has to laugh at the super soldier's comment about howard, even if it's a startled bark of a thing.

howard fucks up the intro about five more times before moving into that droning, robot thing about the expo. but there's something in his eyes that speaks his true convictions. this isn't just another howard stark special. though it's briefly broken up by tiny tony in the background and howard screaming for maria to take him away. tony nudges steve and points to the video. ] See, there I am.

[valuedstrength]

[Steve is charmed up until the moment he starts yelling at the younger Tony. He frowns immediately. It feels like such an overreaction. Tony wasn't hurting anyone and it's not like Howard couldn't afford to waste a couple minutes of footage while he finds something else for him to do...

Steve glances at Tony and forces a smile.] You're smaller than usual. [He takes a deep breath and refocuses on the film. He's still unhappy which is probably why this slips out before Steve can stop himself.] God he's so old. Sometimes I forget.

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ welcome to his childhood steeb. he rubs his forehead against steve's arm briefly like maybe he had an itch but then he's focused again. ]

Yeah. [ tony agrees breathily, watching as his father changed tacks completely. he goes from addressing a crowd to just addressing tony. but he's already out of the room, he's talking to tony now and not tony then. like he knew he wouldn't be there in the end. It represents my life's work. This is the key to the future. he shifts a little, uncomfortably, splitting his attention between howard and steve's reaction.

I'm limited by the technology of my time. ... When you figure this out you'll change the world.

What is and always will be my greatest creation... is you.

he swallows and looks away. ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve is stunned when Howard starts addressing Tony as he is now. He didn't see it coming at all. It is plain to see by the way his eyes widen. Once the initial shock passes, his brows knit together as he furiously works over the implications of this in his head.

It's unquestionably selfish in Steve's eyes. This whole video plays like an apology Howard can't quite bring himself to make. He could have cut out the part where he snaps over such a trivial offense and made this. Howard didn't. He left it, offered a gift of insane value, and hoped it'd be enough. In a way it's typical behavior from the other man. He couldn't say Schmidt and Zola's work made him feel inadequate. He had to snap and make it Steve's fault for seeing something he didn't want to deal with. He doubts it's a coincidence that as he got to know the other man better he was practically thrown toys. This was how Howard said he cared, that he was sorry, or in Tony's case that he did love him.

Steve is certain that last line is the closest the elder Stark could get to it. God he's so disappointed Howard couldn't get over himself even in a recorded message.

After a long minute, Steve sighs deeply, tearing his eyes away from the wall to Tony. He grimaces and states all too casually.] Well at least he got something right. You are.

[He briefly hesitates. Steve nearly apologizes for how much of a moron his friend is before something occurs to him.] You know I love you, right? I don't think I actually said it out loud, but there you go. I love you.

[He tilts his head to the side as if conceding a point.] And you know I'm grateful that idiot had no idea how valuable his gift would be someday. We wouldn't have met otherwise. Still doesn't change the fact he's a moron, but it's too late to help that.

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ tony's gaze snaps up to meet steve's, shock plain on his face to see. where did that come from...? not that he doesn't appreciate it. he might have laughed in an earlier stage of their weird family relationship, but now it's something he knows. he's internalized it and steve never needed to say it, not really. at least he didn't think so. until he hears it out loud and then it's like the dam breaks and he's just so grateful to have steve in his life. his hand lifts to his face, sniffling a little as he tries to keep the tears at bay, but his eyes are stinging in that telltale way. ]

I... [ he's not his father, is what he really wants to say. but he can use the L word. he was past that point in his therapy okay. he just knows the second he says it to steve he really will cry. ] That was really not what I expected you to get out of that.

[ but it's all true so how can he complain? ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve smiles sadly. He hates that this tends to be the response he gets. He hates that the best he can do is just let Tony rest against his arm since the other is too messed up to be moving around without drawing attention to it.

It isn't a discomfort for Steve to deal with tears from anyone. He just wishes it was something Tony knew to blow off. It should be a given that the people closest to him feel this way. That's not what they're dealing with here. In light of how close everyone has gotten being murdered in the past few days this talk is way overdue. That doesn't stop Steve from sounding deceptively casual about the subject. It's not as if he's acknowledging the fact he's offered up his battered heart to Tony (and Pepper, Sam, Bruce, Natasha, and the rest of the Avengers.)]

What else should I have gotten from it? I know I've got time on my hands now, but leaving you a video message with a drawing or something to show you're important to me is kind of nuts. I could just tell you and I did.

i tried so hard and got so far but in the end midnight was still 2late

[letmetakeaselfie]

You... [ it's kind of a funny image, but the laugh gets lodged in his throat. that is kind of what howard did, wasn't it? ] You're important to me too, Steve.

[ he gets a little choked up at the end of that and then the floodgates are open, shaking his head and sobbing in short, concentrated bursts. his hand goes over his eyes as he tries to regain his composure. god why is he even crying, it's not that big of a deal!! (yes it is. to him it is.) ]

Lots of people have fucked up dads, or no dads at all. [ which could have been better, considering. he's pretty sure anything could have been better than the way things turned out, but again. he grimaces, aggressively rubbing the tears from his eyes and getting himself in check. ] I don't have to be such a pussy about it.

[ it's supposed to be a joke, but all he can do is sigh. ] ...I L-word you too, Steve.

[ there's a beat and then he looks up, eyebrows knitting together in that way he has. ]

I... love you. Too.

asdjhks you had to fall asleep and i guess you didn't really lose it all. whatever.

[valuedstrength]

[Steve doesn't waste any time moving his arm so he can proper embrace the other man as he cries. He grimaces at Tony's choice of words. He wonders if he influenced that. It's not like he ever acknowledges Joseph Rogers exists much less express any feelings towards him. (Largely because they don't exist.) Steve shakes his head in disapproval.] Who-? You know what I'm not even going to ask who put that stupid thought in your head. Just remember it's wrong.

[He holds Tony a little tighter. He knows this hasn't been easy for him given his history. If Tony had never said anything, Steve wouldn't have held it against him. He can tell by the man's actions alone that he cares.

That's what makes it more meaningful to Steve in the end. He can't let the tears go easily, but his eyes are bright and wet. He smiles gratefully since that tugs every heart string he has. He lets out a shaky breath, voice thick with emotion when he thinks of the right thing to say in return.] Thank you for saying it.

i survived i guess that's all i can hope for

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he doesn't hesitate once steve's arm is around him, winding his around the other man's middle and fisting his free hand in his shirt. he feels so stupid, but steve is affected too, he can tell. it's not dumb if they're both emotional, right? right. ]

Who do you think. [ it's bitter, but flat. he doesn't blame howard for who he was, not anymore. he just wants it to be over and it's never fucking over. he's still learning new things all the time about how bad that guy fucked him. and steve. which is even more unforgivable because steve wasn't even related to the guy. ]

I can say nice things. Just don't tell anyone. [ it manages to be much, much lighter than his previous not-joke, even if it still falls a little early. he clutches steve even tighter and buries his head in his chest. it's okay to let things go here. he's safe here. ]

[valuedstrength]

You can't listen to stuff like that, Tony. [He exhales out a tense breath. It sounds like such hollow advice so he continues.] I'll let you in on a little secret. Guys from my era? Completely insecure. They thought everything made them less of a man. God forbid your friends and loved ones ever figure you might like them. Real men don't like anyone, but are somehow really popular with everyone.

[He laughs softly because it is stupid. It deserves to be laughed at.] The only reason I'm not a total mess was because a poor Irish invalid couldn't possibly be a real man. Really lucked out on that one.

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he laughs too but it's sob-like so he stops, rubbing his nose against cap's chest and refusing to let go. not that anyone is asking him to. but it's always this unspoken thing about man-hugs that last too long. not that they hadn't shattered that rule a bunch of times already. ]

I don't like anyone, but no one likes me either. It's a mutual thing.

[ and you don't have to be a genius to know steve's illness had humbled him. but tony still thinks he's too breezy about it sometimes. it's hypocritical though and even he knows it. ]

Don't be ridiculous, you're still a total mess. [ his fist bunches around the fabric over steve's shoulder. he might be here a while. ]

[valuedstrength]

[He wouldn't make him let go. His arm is still securely around the other man. Steve is used to their never-ending hugs at this point. Besides, he's already established how he cares for rules. He rolls his eyes fondly at the comment though. Way to call him out there.] Thanks, Tony. You really know how to make a guy feel special.

[letmetakeaselfie]

I'm gonna put that on my resume. [ he announces, slumping back against cap's side to settle without ever letting go. screw it, if it makes them both feel better what harm can there be? and in the same vein, he needs to ask another obnoxious validation question. because at the end of the day, steve still knew howard way better than he did. it didn't matter that he'd had 20 years with the guy. it was all just groundhog day multiplied by what they both witnessed on that reel. ]

...Do you think he'd be proud of me? Or do you think he'd just be pissed? [ he's good with either one even if it never really sat well with him that his father was actually jealous of him once he'd been old enough to understand that's what was going on. but at least that's an emotion. at least it was having some feeling towards his son. he laughs again, but it's dark this time. hollow. ] 20 years later and I'm still asking myself that. Why? Why does it even matter?

[ now that he has a free hand it balls into a fist before he just... let's it all go. it doesn't matter. it does, on some level maybe it will always, but he has people who truly love and support him now. a family. a real one. ]

I think about it a lot. I can't help it. What would he think of Pepper? Of us? Of what SHIELD's become... or I guess. Was? The Avengers.

All of it was so far beyond his scope, but I don't think any of it would have surprised him. Nothing ever did.

[valuedstrength]

[Steve takes a moment to mull it over. There's a lot Tony is asking of him. He wants to address it all if only to give the man some peace. It's a tragedy that this is something he would know better. Howard never let him too close, but still to think he'd have a more accurate gauge on his true feelings than his own son? It's wrong on so many levels.]

Well the Avengers wouldn't be much of a surprise. In the grand scheme of things, the Howling Commandos were almost a prototype for us. Group of misfits with extraordinary skills? Closely allied with an engineer, spy, and super soldier? Not the same, but close enough.

[He chews on the inside of his lip before continuing.] As for you? Both. You've done an incredible job protecting people, bringing positive advancements to the world. You got out of the weapon's game. I don't think he ever cared for that one really. I think that's where the anger would come in. I think he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for lacking the courage to live the way he wanted to. I think he'd be angry about a lot of things especially what became of SHIELD.

[He swallows and almost says nothing. It sounds so stupid in his head, but the conclusion feels right even if he's not comfortable with it.] I don't want to sound conceited, but they worked really hard to make it spell out shield of all things. I... you know I wondered if that was their way of keeping me alive. It's not like they could put me to rest so...

[He changes tracks suddenly.] I'm not sure what he would think of us. I guess outwardly he'd disapprove. Say I should be harder on you especially considering we fight together, but I can't say what he'd really feel. He never let me this close. [He frowns deeply. Would Howard regret that?] Does that help?

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ both. seems about right. he snorts but continues to listen, not clutching steve anymore but just softly hanging on. he remembers when phil had first introduced him to the concept of 'shield.' tony shoves the thought out of his head and sighs. ] Maybe it was. I don't think it's conceited but I'm not exactly a great litmus test.

[ does it help? does any of it? at the end of the day the facts are the same. shield is dissolved, his father's been dead 20 years, and maybe that's for the best, since he must be rolling six feet under as it is. but steve is here and all their covers are blown and good things are happening. tony really believes that. ]

I guess it's not worth worrying about, right? [ it's wry, and definitely not an answer. but he knows he and steve can be a much better team than howard and steve had been. that isn't his competitive angle, either. that's the truth. they had both let each other in and they would be stronger for it, moreso every day.

tony locks his arm across steve's middle and settles in like a girl with her man at the movies. he really doesn't care what it looks like from the outside anymore, especially since he knows no one who matters would even bat an eye. mostly because they're both in this house and used to their antics. ]

Are you gonna tell Sam you like him? [ maybe it's a weird topic change, tony wouldn't know. but they'd just been over the whole L=word thing. he won't rest until steve is happy and he knows he can't make him that way. not all the time. ]

[valuedstrength]

[Steve keeps his around Tony's back, ignoring the dull aches from his wounds. If he wants to sit here with his family, he's going to do it no matter how many times he got stabbed, shot at, and bruised over in the past seventy-two hours. The question elicits a sigh from him.] I don't know. Not exactly a catch right now or ever really. You've met the guy. He's perfect. Pretty sure he can do way better.

[He states like it's fact; like this isn't just another symptom of a lifetime of self-loathing. It rings true to him at least. He is hiding out and unemployed.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he opens his mouth to protest, but it's what he says about pepper all the time. maybe she could do better, but she couldn't do better for her. they belonged together and tony doesn't want steve to miss out on that because of some dumb self-defeating attitude. ]

Maybe that's what perfect people need. Someone a little crazy. [ a beat as he quietly repositions himself to mind steve's injuries. ] Okay. A lot crazy. At least we're never boring.

[valuedstrength]

You're saying that perfect people are attracted to crazy people? [A beat. He instantly draws the connection between himself and Sam and Pepper and Tony. That makes a frightening amount of sense.]

... I think you're onto something there. How did you figure out that Pepper liked you back? [Obviously that's how it worked.]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ he smiles as steve comes around. god that's adorable. tony stark teaching captain america life lessons, would wonders never cease. ]

It wasn't really like that for us. I knew she liked me from the beginning, I just didn't ever actually think she'd stoop to my level. [ he shows his teeth briefly before burying his face back against steve. ]

Don't wait ten years like we did. [ you might not have it. ]

[valuedstrength]

Yeah, I know. I wait ten years and I'm going to end up someone's godfather. [He knows Sam is a catch. There must be a line of people waiting to get even a moment of his attention.

(They're having a nice moment. He's not ruining it by pointing out the fact that he's not looking at the best life expectancy at the moment.)]

[letmetakeaselfie]

[ tony snorts, nodding minutely. ] Yeah. Something like that.

[ but he saw the way sam looked at steve, somehow he really doesn't think it'll be a problem. if they both can get out of their own way. ]

...But hey, there are things you bring to the table, too. You're always there to open the pickle jar.

[valuedstrength]

Oh yeah. I'm sure a lot of great romances were built on that. [He shakes his head. After a minute, he smiles nervously.] You know we're both going to feel really stupid if he's in love with the receptionist at the VA, right?