this mess is mine and yours ▪

[relicta]

It's overwhelming and nerve-wracking to be in charge of the New Avengers, or at least be second to Steve. She and her brother were sort of like his lieutenants in this new world order. She watches the exchange with Tony and hopes they'll be okay -- she knows no matter what he's done that Stark means a lot to Steve. And if she's honest, to her as well. Not to mention her own burgeoning interest in Steve's happiness that is inexplicable as it is all-encompassing. All her efforts to take his mind off Peggy for another woman had been thwarted though, and after she'd been forced to use her own feminine wiles on one of the team, well. Maybe she can take a break from matchmaker for a little while and do as he said.

How about a friend?

Her hand brushes his arm on her way past, though she immediately regrets her little quip about them. Steve knows it's how she deals with things she's uncomfortable with. Feelings, friendship, they're all hard for her. She's never trusted anyone outside Nate and Clint, but she's starting to make a place for herself here. A real family. She would never do anything to jeopardize it, maybe especially so with him. Still, she teases him and they bicker because it's how she shows she cares.

"I'm going to make coffee. Come with me?" It isn't really a question, or even a suggestion. If he says no she'll just drag him with her to the kitchen anyway.

Comments

[valuedstrength]

Steve's expression falls. "We're somewhere between that." He goes to take a seat at the table. He doesn't want to get into this though he recognizes why Natasha needs to. "I need time to cool down."

[relicta]

She frowns, hating the distance he puts between them instantly, and feeling it viscerally in a way she didn't expect. Their coffee is almost ready, she notes, then she can go and sit with him. That will feel better, somehow. Inexplicably.

"I get that." And she does, but she wants to do something about it. Everything's chaotic now -- isn't she supposed to be a part of the solution? "You should take your time. Do it right."

Finally the coffee maker goes off and she hops down, pouring them each a nice hot black cup before bringing it over. She sets his down first then curls into the chair across from his with her own mug. The cookies get dropped in the middle of the table unceremoniously.

"...I'm kind of freaked out. Leadership isn't my strong suit." She takes a sip to cover up the fact that she just admitted something big. She knows it won't take him a beat to catch up.

[valuedstrength]

Steve smiles in amusement as he sips his coffee. He expected that. It's part of the reason why he picked her. He needed a fresh set of eyes who wouldn't put up with his stubbornness. Maybe, just maybe, it felt right. They made a good team. He wanted her at his side.

"That's why you get to share the burden of it with me. If you ever run into trouble, you can just blame it on me." He pops a cookie in his mouth. If Natasha knows anything about him it's that he can't leave it at that. She needs reassurances and he intends to give them.

"I know you can do this." He takes a sip of coffee to wash it down. "You're smart, caring, and charismatic. You're exactly what we need right now." His eyes plead with her to agree. He wants her to see what he sees despite how low she must feel right now.

[relicta]

"I think you're talking about my brother," she deflects, not too smoothly either. She moves to draw her feet onto her chair underneath her, tapping his ankle in the process. She knows he's being sincere, he's always sincere. But as he goes on she realizes something disturbing: he thinks she's heartbroken. Is he coddling her? Even if she were truly torn up by Bruce's leaving -- which she's not happy about, but it wasn't actually like that for her -- he shouldn't do that if they're really supposed to lead a team together.

She smacks his hand when he goes to grab another cookie, taking it from him and eating it for herself. She's like, five sometimes especially when she's trying to prove something dumb. This is probably especially dumb, but she forces out the words even as the cookie sticks in her throat.

"I will blame it on you, if and when it's your fault." It's why she isn't really holding a grudge for Tony right now. She'll let Steve and he battle it out. "Are you babying me?" It's a strong accusation, but she needs to know the answer to this as well. Just because she's scared doesn't mean he can do that.

[valuedstrength]

"I don't think I am," Steve chimes in cheerfully. He knows she'll need time to get used to the idea. Sure it sucks to be denied a cookie, but it's not a big deal. He'll steal one from her later.

The accusation makes him lose his good cheer in the second. "No." It's cold and a little defensive. He can't believe she'd even has to ask that. "I'm sorry you were hurt and yeah I want to cheer you up. I want to support you when you feel unsure about something. That's what friends do, but I don't baby people. Least of all you." The whole point of asking was because he viewed her as an equal. He didn't think being nice would undermine that.

[relicta]

It only does because of her own insecurity. She realizes that right after it's out of his mouth, looking down into her cup. "I wasn't hurt," she admits, taking a quick drink and glancing away. It's time to come clean. If she's going to be his second -- and apparently he really wants her over Nate even -- then he has to know what kind of person she really is.

"I'm not in love with Banner," she says, licking her lips and settling back to lock eyes with him. "I never was."

[valuedstrength]

"Okay." He takes a sip of his coffee and studies her. Steve isn't sure where she's going with this. Is she trying to reassure him that she wasn't as intense as he thought she was? Honestly he knows what she's hinting at. He just doesn't want it to be true.

"So it was just a crush then? Nothing serious? I know I'm not the best at reading these situations." It's why he never noticed how weird it was she was so openly attracted to him. Maybe it was love. That changes people, doesn't it?

[relicta]

She lets out a breath and shakes her head, straightening up a little. "I was giving him... incentive to stick around. It backfired." Or at least leave before he took all those casualties. That part she'll take to her grave. "I care about him, Steve. I'm not saying... But you need to know that I used him."

That she never had romantic feelings for him at all. She didn't know how else to contain the problem that was Bruce fucking Banner. A part of her is relieved he's gone, and she knows that's fucked up. But now he's someone else's problem, isn't he? It's better if he's theirs. She knows how to bring him down.

[valuedstrength]

"An incentive." He repeats it numbly. It's hard not to be horrified by what she's saying. It's wrong on so many levels. Steve is angry with Bruce. He doesn't think he'll ever forgive him for the way things played out. That doesn't mean he approves of anyone manipulating the emotions of a team member.

"Why would you ever go there? This isn't SHIELD. No one would ever ask that of you." Because it's wrong goes unsaid. She has to know that if she's confessing it in the first place.

[relicta]

"Because it's who I am," she says at first, like it's that simple. But some of the things she said to Bruce? They were real. She won't be the monster they made her. Not if she can help it. "Or who I think I am."

Her gaze is wide and scared as she regards him from their short distance apart. It comes easily to her, this kind of manipulation. It's why not even Steve saw through it. But he also hadn't approached her about it, she's wondering about that now. She knows he spoke to Banner...

"Is that really the person you want to be your second?" That came out harsher than she'd wanted it to, but she is terrified. The fact remains that she probably shouldn't be in charge of other people. Especially people as volatile as Wanda Maximoff had proven to be.

[valuedstrength]

"No, it's not." Steve points out frankly. It's not over by the long shot. He leans forward and keeps going. His focus on her is intense. Someone could drop something on the table and he wouldn't notice.

"I want the woman who found out how to shut down the portal. I want the woman who faced off against HYDRA with me. The one who picked up a heavy gun to defend me with a bullet in her shoulder." He could go on all day. He thinks Natasha gets the picture. Steve thinks she's amazing. She's more than worthy of this position. He just needs her to stop slipping back into this. "The person who pretended to have feelings for someone isn't the one I respect, but that's not all you are. I think deep down you know you're better than that too so act like it."

[relicta]

Her gaze gives a little jump at that but she doesn't drop his eye contact, no matter how intense it is. She can take it. She wants to. She thinks it's because somewhere in some capacity she knows that he's right.

"It's why I like you," she admits, the tiniest of smiles curving her lips. "You get what it's like to live your entire life one way only to have the carpet yanked out from under you." Natasha pushes the cookie packet towards him before going back to her coffee. It's rapidly cooling down so she's drinking it a little fast.

"If you're sure then so am I." It's more serious and she pushes her mug away, unfolding her legs and swinging them back off the chair. She needed him to know, but if he knows and still wants her on then there's no way she could deny him.

[valuedstrength]

"I'm sure." It's automatic. Steve believes in her. He knows Natasha could be a good leader if she'd cut the shadiness out of her routine. That's what he's here for, right? He can keep her honest for the most part.

He takes a cookie from the package and resumes eating. "You're what they need Natasha. You'll see."

[relicta]

She's not sure what it means, completely, but she believes him anyway. "I trust you," she admits softly, leaning towards him some unconsciously. It's not a line, they have something she's never had with anyone else. And if Clint and her brother aren't going to sign on, she needs a guiding force. Besides, Cap is a better influence than they are.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry things went down that way." The only thing left is to gain his forgiveness, but she'll do it honestly and not through any shady means. If it takes a while then she'll wait. She's more patient than she seems. Especially for things she deems worthwhile.

[valuedstrength]

"It is worth something." He knows she could have just as easily not said anything and skipped the apology altogether. Steve would have justified a romance between those two forever even if logically in the wake of Ultron they're not even remotely compatible. Natasha stayed and Bruce ran. If that doesn't outline the difference between the two nothing else will.

He reaches out to take her hand. It's probably not the wisest move since he was just touching butter cookies, but it's not like he cares. "I value your trust. I intend to be deserving of it." He hopes she returns the favor. He can't justify having her around if she uses tactics like that on her team.

[relicta]

It startles her, but it only shows in a little jog of her eyes, immediately turning her hand over to grasp his in turn. This is good -- this is what they both need to make this work. She just can't shake the feeling like there's something else going on here, too. If she notices his greasy fingers, she's polite enough not to shy away.

"You always have been. I'm the one who has to... be worthy." It's said playfully, her lips quirking up to highlight the joke. Those boys and that damn hammer.

[valuedstrength]

Steve actually groans in response. Don't remind him about that damn hammer. "I will literally pay you to never bring that up again." Seriously he hates that thing and completely ignores the fact he moved it which kind of settled that debate for good.

[relicta]

"Never gonna happen, big boy." She winks, idly lacing their fingers though she can't explain the urge. "You can't afford my price."

[valuedstrength]

It feels natural so Steve hardly takes issue with it. He moves his hand along to facilitate her. "Are you sure?" Steve lifts a brow. "What is it?"

[relicta]

Oh. It would help if she had one of those before she went bluffing. Unconsciously, she licks across her bottom lip, eyes drawn to his mouth. Well... There was one tride and true way to fluster Captain America. "A kiss," she says, then seems to catch up to what she said and nod, using his hand to lean even more obnoxiously across the table. "Another kiss."

[valuedstrength]

It works just like a charm. Steve is definitely flustered by it. The temptation is there though. He did enjoy it even if she didn't. "Why would you ask for that? I thought you didn't like my kisses." It's hard not to sound offended so he doesn't try to cover it up.

[relicta]

"When did I say that?" It's too quick, she knows, but in her defense she thought she was just teasing Cap. She didn't think she actually wanted him to kiss her. Now she isn't so sure. "I said you needed practice." Natasha's gaze flickers over his lips again before she can school herself.

[valuedstrength]

There's a nervous flutter in his stomach. He's not imagining the fact her eyes keep wandering to his mouth, is he? He swallows and forces a reply out. "So what? Are you offering to practice with me?"

It'd be a challenge if it didn't sound like he was ten minutes away from choking.

[relicta]

Oh my god how is he this precious. She leans back into her chair a bit and tries her best to hide how endeared she is. "Maybe." It's light and unserious in every way. She really means 'yes.' Would that be such a bad thing to say? She rolls the option around, convincing herself not to just kiss him and let the pieces fall where they may. "Who else?" It's actually a good question, right?

[valuedstrength]

Steve sucks in a breath. He knows he has a million options from Natasha's list. He could probably wander around outside and get a few dates even with the public displeasure with the Avengers. That doesn't mean anything.

He shakes his head. "There's no one else."

[relicta]

She holds her breath while she waits for the answer despite knowing it already. "I wouldn't be opposed to it," she admits, keeping her dry tone even though it's 100% serious.

[valuedstrength]

"That's a ringing endorsement." Steve quips. He could leave it there and they would be safe. Everything would be the way it should be. Something inside him begs him not to. Just this once don't let the opportunity slip by, it screams.

Steve finds himself letting go of her hand in favor of getting up. He moves to stand right in front of her, hand resting on Natasha's shoulder as he looks down at her. "Are you positive?" Steve is unquestionably serious.

[relicta]

A part of her is shocked at him being proactive, but it's only because she practically bullied him to this point. She's been uncharacteristically patient, worried she'd screw this up just as well as her new role with the Avengers. Natasha looks up at him and her heart stutters. It borders on freaking her out before she realizes why she feels this way. Except then she's freaking out for a whole new reason.

"If I say 'yes' will you kiss me already?" Her eyes flash with something vaguely dangerous. She can tell herself she's training him up for someone real, but what's the point? They're already partners in every other way that matters. Is it so wrong to want this too? It takes everything she has to be patient, waiting him out still perched close to the end of her seat.

[valuedstrength]

There's a line he should give to make himself sound cool or more in control of the situation. That wouldn't be true. His heart is hammering in his chest. When he leans down to kiss her, it feels like his lips are numb from the effort. Once they connect with hers everything comes more naturally.

He kisses her again more passionately. His heart still pounds, but the nerves seemed to have faded for the time being. It's nice; nicer than it should be when one factors in this might be inappropriate. Steve really can't bring himself to care about that yet.

[relicta]

She lets out the tiniest noise of surprise though it's instantly lost to his lips. Her hand comes up, wrapping around his upper arm to make it more comfortable to lean up. Natasha parts her lips for him as her eyes slip closed, letting him guide the kiss to start -- she can give her notes later.

[valuedstrength]

Steve in turns puts his hand on the side of her chair to brace himself as they kiss. Once her lips part, he gently pushes his tongue inside her mouth, sweeping tentatively as if unsure if that's quite right. He really doesn't know what he is doing, but he tries albeit in an amateur fashion.

Steve pulls back a moment later, still close enough for their noses to nearly touch and waits for her verdict. He honestly wouldn't be surprised if this one doesn't meet her standards either.

[relicta]

A little out-of-breath, her eyes open back up, nose bumping against his as she tries to piece together her thoughts. Oh yeah -- she's supposed to say something now. Her heart is pounding fast, eyes unerringly drawn back to his mouth. "Maybe it's easier if I just show you." Her hand trails up over his shoulder to his neck, dragging him down for a rougher version of the kiss they'd just shared. She draws his lower lip into her mouth and sucks briefly, before chasing his tongue into his mouth as she holds on tightly, fingers catching in the short hairs at the back of his neck. It's only after she pulls back again, forehead leant against his and breath coming in heaves, that she realizes she didn't kiss him to show him anything, but because she'd wanted to.

"Any questions?"