penistower | i know i won't be leaving here with you ✫

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i know i won't be leaving here with you ✫

She's known for a long time now that the feelings she has for Pepper far exceed any feelings she's ever had for a man. Not that she's really bothered to spend much time with men outside of a very specific setting. Namely the bedroom. It's the addressing that that's hanging her up. She knows Pepper mourned her while she was gone, pined maybe even. Rhodey told her it wasn't pretty whatever it was. And now she's dying all over again and it's really not the time...

But all she can think about is that night, up on the rooftop, after they'd danced in front of everyone. Toni knows that wouldn't have happened if she didn't have a chance. And even without knowing 100% what it would be like to be with another woman -- she doesn't care, because it's Pepper. It's someone she's loved for ten years almost already. She was just too fucking stupid and self-absorbed to realize it.

She's sitting across from her now, in Pepper's office. The office that used to be hers, but she's looking around it like she's never seen the inside of it before. Mostly because she was so seldom here. There's a basket of strawberries between them and she can't stand this fucking perpetually moving polygon thing on the desk. Like, what the fuck. She has vertigo even trying to follow it around... and around again. It's completely nonsensical.

"Come on. Pepper, I knew there was -- a connection. Between you and this." She gestures wildly to the strawberries. "That's progress. Right?" It sounds desperate. She's been trying so hard to tell Pepper the truth, but what's the use. She's going to die alone with nothing just like Yinsen said.

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Pepper's smile is cool and unamused as she regards Toni across her desk, red-tipped fingers tapping almost soundlessly against the surface of it; betraying her own unease. "Yes. You remembered the one thing in the world that could potentially kill me if digested and brought me a whole box. It really makes me feel so close to you, right now. You have no idea."

Predictably, it's the coolly polite tone she uses whenever she really just wants to stab someone with her stiletto. She's so done, just... done with Toni's recent bullshit. She can't make heads nor tails out of it anymore, and she'd been -- truthfully, plainly -- hurt that Toni'd so evidently lied in her face when Pepper had asked straight-out what it was that Toni was hiding. Lying by omission was still lying. Now she has a company to run and the whole Monaco thing still hounding her, not to mention the Expo. Pepper simply doesn't have time for Toni's issues right now. Didn't she have a new assistant for that, anyhow? She refuses to acknowledge the irrational twinge of hurt the thought causes, because it makes no sense -- therefor, it's not worth her time. Not right now.

"Now, if that's all..." She lets the sentence trail off pointedly. There's the door.

I'm dying. It's just two words, but it's the only two words she feels like she can't say. She swallows, looking to the disassembled Stark Expo model she needs to make sense of her father's video. She would just have to save herself and hope Pepper didn't completely hate her by then. But as usual, she can't give up so easily.

"That's not all, I just-- Can we stop this?" She holds out a hand and grabs the perpetual motion thing, and breathing out a sigh of relief when the dizziness stops. "I had... things. I was going to say." Stuff and things and more stuff. Come on.

"No," Pepper returns instantly at the question, even though Toni's already reaching for the contraption and halting its movement. She huffs a sigh of her own, saturated in frustration as she moves some papers aside.

"You always have something to say." And yet so many times, it's all for nothing. "I don't have time for this, Toni. You gave me your company to run, remember? I'm trying to do just that. You can have twenty seconds."

"Twenty seconds, wow. Okay. Twenty seconds." That was like five already. She lets go of the thing after being scolded, folding her hands in her lap with no small effort. "I'm sorry. About... the strawberries. And -- everything. Mostly everything." She worries her lip and wonders how many seconds she has left now. And of course she wasted it saying shit of no consequence, again.

"On the plane, I made you eggs. I was going to... But then. And you-- You look really great at this desk, Pepper. I always." God, her heart's pounding. She probably shouldn't get so excited, it's almost like she can feel the toxins flowing freely through her bloodstream. She knows she'll have to change the core again when she gets home. What if this is the last time she ever sees Pepper? What a waste. She's a waste.

Pepper dips her chin a little, leveling Toni with a staid look-- but she is evidently willing to listen. It starts out well enough, the apology actually managing to soften Pepper's expression a fraction. And then it spirals into a chorus of I, I, I, and reminds Pepper too sharply of the selfishness and self-importance Toni used to wear like a mantle before Afghanistan.

Disappointment rushes over her, and she covers it up with annoyance. "Say 'I' one more time and I might actually hurl something at your head, I think." Drawing in a breath to calm herself down, she goes on with less fire and more tartness, "That was very enlightening, Toni. Apology accepted. Now I need you... to leave."

"I need you to--" she starts, before mouthing 'Oh.' Not what Pepper said. As usual, she misreads everything and makes everything worse. She swallows down the lump in her throat and slowly rises to her feet. Every bit of her body language screams kicked puppy, to say nothing of the ridiculous outfit she put together without anyone there to help her. "I'll just... be going then." She can't fix this. She doesn't have what she needs yet. She can only hope Pepper will still be here when it's all over.

Pepper resents how Toni can make her feel guilty by pulling that kicked puppy look when she hasn't done anything wrong. She's well within her rights to be upset over the recent events. Still, Pepper has to glance away from the pitiful sight Toni makes-- the outfit is just icing on the cake. Really, has she taught her nothing about fashion over this past decade?

She opens her mouth to speak, but the door to her office opens and her secretary, Bambi, pokes her head in to remind Pepper of her meeting. After getting an acknowledgement out of Pepper, she disappears again.

"Perhaps you should make arrangements regarding your belongings, while you're here," Pepper tells Toni as she stands up and straightens her skirt, nodding toward the stuff gathered to the side of the room. "I... have a meeting to go to."

"...I got it." She only doesn't protest because she needs it, and she can't tell Pepper why. She huffs a breath out through her nose and looks up at the model. This better be good, Dad, she thinks, putting her hands on her hips. She would never admit to praying for this, but if she survives and she doesn't have Pepper in the end? It was all for nothing. She really wants to live, though. It has to be priority number one either way.

Gathering her files, Pepper makes to depart. It feels awful to leave things like this between them, though, despite knowing this isn't her doing. She's tried and tried; to understand and to get through to Toni. She doesn't know what else to do, anymore. She used to be able to solve any Toni-related problems, but now she's at loss.

"Call me when you're actually ready to talk about what's really going on, Toni. No more excuses, no bullshit-- the truth." With that, she strides out, leaving Toni by herself in the office. The whole meeting passes her by in something of a blur, too preoccupied by the infuriating woman to focus completely on business.

One super conductor and a brand spanking new element later and Toni has a new lease on life. She still has no idea what to do about she and Pepper, or if the other woman could ever forgive her, but it's hard not to feel elated after being sick for almost two years. Albeit in secret, which she knew was wrong, a fact that's only highlighted by her wellness now.

Those familiar shoes alert her to Pepper's entry, because of course she didn't change the passcodes. Couldn't bring herself to, just in case. She turns, heart beating fast, her new arc reactor on full display through her v-neck Blue Oyster Cult t-shirt. "...Pepper." She licks her lips, taking a stilted step backwards unconsciously. She still half expects to be hit, not that she wouldn't totally deserve it.

Toni hadn't called. Not that Pepper had been overly surprised. She had too much to worry about with Stark to be particularly preoccupied with that, though. Justine Hammer's Expo presentation had spiraled into a pissing contest that had turned into an outright mayhem and actual danger when Vanko took over the Hammer drones. Nate had turned out to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. spy and the night had been topped off with a heated exchange (and not the romantic kind) on top of that building Toni had flown her onto, out of harm's way.

It was all fine and good, if not for the fact that she'd overheard Nate and Toni on the comms. Toni had actually been dying all along; like it had been a very real, very imminent possibility and she'd had the nerve not to breathe Pepper a word about it. Needless to say, Pepper's temper had gotten the best of her and she'd stormed off the rooftop without any sort of closure to deal with the fallout from the Hammer drone attack. That was a few days ago.

Pepper's not even completely sure what she wants out of this visit, other than an explanation. She thinks she deserves that much. Toni's looking visibly better, only highlighting how unwell she really had been. It breaks Pepper's heart she had been so busy that she, of all people, hadn't paid enough attention. She'd been too busy and too frustrated by the regression in Toni after the improvement post-Afghanistan.

"Toni," she returns coolly, not moving from her spot by the entrance. She's dressed impeccably for the office as always, her posture ramrod straight and confident, hands clasped together in front of her. She looks like a stern teacher about to scold an unruly student, which may not be a totally off description. "You look better," she tacks on neutrally after a moment, oddly unwilling to get into it straight away. Probably because she's not entirely certain where to begin.

A part of her is screaming, like a little Sebastian the crab, Kiss the girl. Pepper wouldn't be here if she didn't still care, right? Toni feels for the workbench behind her, gripping it so she doesn't topple over it in her vain effort to escape.

"I am better," she admits, almost like it's a bad thing. She is ashamed of the way she'd acted, but how do you tell the woman you love more than anything that you're dying and you can't fix it? Instead she had given her strawberries and a company and burnt eggs. Her eyes rove over Pepper's tight appearance, it's the way she was used to seeing her, back when she was her assistant. Things had been simpler -- and more complicated -- then.

"I'm sorry," she's rushing to say, though it's followed by a grimace. Hadn't she apologized enough? What good were those words if she kept acting like an idiot. Toni straightens up a little, forces herself to stand just as straight. She can do this. She can save the world and make an element, but she can't tell Pepper her feelings. Typical. "I tried to tell you." She isn't sure which thing she means, the fact that she's in love with Pepper or the fact that she was steadily dying before the other woman's eyes.

The apology washes over Pepper, eliciting a reaction hardly stronger than a quiet sigh through her nose. She knows Toni's sorry, but what difference did that make? A few small words just weren't enough to fix what had happened, as much as she hates to think that. What follows, however, finally has Pepper breaking her cool facade. She blinks, registering first surprise -- followed closely by disbelieving outrage, every bit of it evident on her expression. Personally, she's more concerned about Toni covering up the truth about her health than her feelings -- she has a fairly good idea about that, anyway, despite the recent evidence to contrary.

"You tried... you tried to tell me?" Her voice hitches dangerously, eyes flashing blue fire. "Which part was that, exactly? The strawberries? The omelet? Or how about the time when I asked you, point blank, what was wrong and you gave me some glib line instead?" Her angry rant is accompanied by sharp gestures and waving of hands. "How dare you say you tried when you had ample opportunities to actually do that. How difficult could it have been to say the words? Contrary to what you might think, I can't actually read your thoughts!"

It has her crumpling back up all over again, susceptible to Pepper the way she is no one else. Toni drops into her chair, but holds the other woman's gaze, as unstable and fiery though it may be.

"I was dying, Pepper," she says after a beat, as quiet as Pepper is loud. "I know I should have-- I'm a dumb jerk. The smartest dumb jerk in the world, I'm pretty sure." Toni worries her lip, and it's only then that she has to glance away. There can't be any more error here, she has to say the right thing. After a lifetime of saying the wrong thing though, it isn't exactly simple to find what those mystery words may be.

"There was nothing you could do. I didn't want... I couldn't make myself say it." She tried. So many times. She really did, no matter how stupid it sounds, and how little too late it is.

Pepper huffs an exasperated noise, but her affront is quickly spent. All that's left is frustration, mingling with profound disappointment. She sighs, shoulders slumping a little, tone soft and quiet with audible defeat in sharp contrast to her earlier ire when she speaks again. Toni still isn't getting it.

"Couldn't make yourself say it. Why, because that would have made it true? Guess what, it would have happened anyway whether you wanted it or not. Did you even think about what it would have been like for Rhodey and myself? That either one of us would like have been the one to find you dead in your house, somewhere. And it would have come out of the blue and left us with guilt and regret for the rest of our lives." She swallows thickly to rid of the lump in her throat, feeling the tingling in her eyes that heralds tears. She smiles bitterly.

"But you weren't thinking about anyone but yourself, were you? Just what you wanted and what you thought had to be done-- or not, in this case. You didn't think that maybe I would have wanted to spend whatever time you had left with you instead of being upset with you on the other side of town, but you made that choice for me, so. Great. Thank you for that."

She hangs her head in shame, unable to come back with any worthy answers. She knows that's how it would have been, and she loved Jamie and Pepper too much to put them through that -- and yet, it was very close to being a reality. As Pepper said, whether she wanted it or not. But she had thought she wasn't being selfish for once. How stupid. The fact that she only sees it in retrospect only further solidifies how little she ever deserved Pepper's attention to begin with.

"All I was thinking about was you, Pep-- Pepper." She falters, bringing her equally wet gaze up to meet hers again. "About us. I just thought-- if I could live through this. If I could make it then we could be together, but it was so... I fucked up so bad." She isn't thinking about what she's confessing here, knowing Pepper knows already, but to say it aloud is... The tears start even as she tries to hold them in, knowing her grief is selfish and has no place here. This is about Pepper. It always should have been.

Pepper looks away, closing her eyes and shaking her head, pained. She can't stand the sight of Toni's tears, not ever but especially not now. "Toni, don't. Please..." She's not sure what she's pleading for -- for her to stop saying these things right now or to stop crying.

Of course she knew of Toni's affections, the other woman had never been subtle. Pepper had written it off as curiosity, for several years -- Pepper had never made a secret out of her sexual orientation, if not flaunted it either. After Afghanistan, she figured Toni was latching onto something safe and familiar, that she'd go back to the male models and media stars after she got over the shock of everything. But she hadn't, and the new intensity and focus in Toni seemed to extend to her interest in Pepper, too. Part of her is still worried this is just a phase, a new thing; a curiosity Toni wants to sate, but she cannot bear to think so lowly of the other woman who's been a friend -- and something else; a poorly kept secret perhaps -- for years, now.

She nods, stopping the flow of her tears with the back of her hand. Pepper shouldn't have to deal with this now, after everything she's already done. Toni takes it as a rejection, but one she was expecting. She can handle this gracefully, if nothing else.

"I know. I just didn't want to... burden you with it. You already do so much for me." Afghanistan had opened her eyes to what was right in front of her, but she had still been a coward, letting Pepper guess rather than just making a go of it. It's hard to regret that now when she would have only ignored her in favor of her work as Iron Man. "You deserve a whole person, Pepper. Not... whatever I am. A hot busted mess."

"Don't say that," Pepper says in quiet but firm voice, finally moving from her spot by the entrance and coming closer. Maybe she's still upset, but she's always hated this self-flagellation Toni is so prone to. "You are a whole person, Toni. A good person. I wouldn't let anyone else speak like that about you, what makes you think you're allowed?"

Sighing, she sets a hand on the edge of Toni's desk, seeming to shrink a little from her earlier, fiercely indomitable posture. "It's not a burden. It's just..." she trails off helplessly, wetting her lips. Something that never gets spoken of. Timing was never their strong suit, was it?

"Sorry," she whispers, so low it may as well not have been said. She hates upsetting Pepper, but especially now when she's only trying to appease her. As usual, it makes her feel as though she can't do anything right.

Toni glances up Pepper's torso, clearly intimidated by her newly close proximity. But she couldn't ever think to complain when just a week ago she wasn't sure they'd ever be in the same room again. It seems like progress that Pepper can even stand her right now.

"I know," she says, even if she hadn't known what Pepper was going to say. And then she freezes, wishing she had asked for the rest of the sentence instead. "You know I'd do anything to make it up to you." Anything is somehow made into like five syllables, eyes wide as she finally moves to stand. She's still much shorter than Pepper, especially in those heels, but she's starting to feel like she at least deserves to share her airspace again.

There's something sad in Pepper's eyes and the wan smile she manages to muster up briefly in response. She turns and leans her butt against the edge of the desk, perching slightly, the angle taking a little bit off her height still.

"I know you would," she answers softly. That much is true, after all. Glancing down at her feet, she goes on after a beat, "What about the next time something goes wrong? Will you keep it to yourself again, make more promises to make it up to me?"

She tips her head to the side, solemn gaze finding Toni's. Maybe she's being unfair. No, she probably is. But she can't -- won't -- run into anything headlong, especially not... whatever this was that they were attempting to bumble through. Maybe.

She would promise Pepper anything right now, feeling that they're on the precipice of something big. But if she lies to her now then everything will be founded on lies and she won't live like that. She can't. If she's going to get the chance to speechify on her behalf then she'll do it, knowing she had every opportunity before and thwarted her own efforts. The fact that she even gets another go is evidence enough of Pepper's perfection. She would never accuse her of being unfair or too hard on her when this is all her fault.

"I can't change who I am, at my core. I'm still Toni Stark, executive asshat." She points to herself and nods, she's just getting started. "But I'm trying. I've been trying to change since I got back and... I'll get there. If you-- When I was in that cave, Pepper. You were the only thing on my mind. I had to get back here, for you. And I did. But I was still sick, I had so many chances to tell you and I..."

She swallows, pausing for only a second. Knowing if she gives herself a real chance to think she'll clam up again. "If you can accept that. And I know it's a lot -- I understand if it's too much. Hell, I'm too much for myself most of the time." There's a wry upturn of her mouth here, but there's no mirth behind it. She's still mired in self-hatred. "I know it doesn't seem like it, and that I do everything the fucking worst way. But it really was all for you. It still is. It'll always be."

That's it, that's her speech. It didn't really answer the question and it was kind of nonsensical. But that was also kind of her point, she thinks. If she had one.

Pepper listens silently. She thinks this is supposed to be the part where she reads between the lines of Toni's sprawling rambles and picks out the truth, and falls into her arms all romantic-like. Or something. But Pepper isn't willing to treat this with anything other than the seriousness the matter deserves. She's never lived in the clouds and she isn't about to start with something this important. If Toni isn't willing to take a good, hard look at things with her, they'll fail even before they start.

"That still doesn't address my concerns," Pepper points out calmly. "I would trust you with my life, Toni. But right now, I'm not sure I can trust you with... with my heart."

She wets her dry lips, glancing away with a sigh. She knows that's not what Toni wants to hear, most likely, but she won't lie to protect her feelings. "I know that you care for me. I know you did what you did because you thought you were... protecting me, but if you can't be completely honest with me even about the difficult, painful things, this isn't going to work. And you don't know me at all if you think I'm going to let you coddle me, good intentions or no."

Her expression shifts into something more defeated, something slightly sad, shrugging her shoulders slightly. As reluctant as she is to point this out, she thinks she must. "All that aside, I'm not sure we should even be talking about this right now. Stark is in disarray, again, and the Expo is in shambles. This is a poor time for such... personal issues. Not to mention we are are still working together."

Toni wants to scream at the top of her lungs, but maybe Pepper is right. If she'll only hurt her, then she doesn't want to take this step either. But then she's saying she doesn't want to be coddled, and really, the two don't mesh for her now, in this moment. Is it one or is it the other? She's had enough talking, and the more it goes on the more she grows annoyed (with herself).

Though she listens, uncharacteristically quiet and without a single quip, she speaks up at the end even while leaning closer to Pepper. They're nearly eye-to-eye from this vantage point and it would be next to impossible not to take advantage of that in some way. "Then I quit," is all she says, simple and defiant, before bridging the rest of the gap and sealing her lips firmly over Pepper's.

Edited (my t key is broken it hurts me) 2015-07-26 13:11 (UTC)

"Wh--" Pepper's protest of outrage at Toni's words cuts off on a surprised noise, smothered by Toni's lips. For a moment she's frozen into inaction, before her brain snaps back online and her hands come up to Toni's side, ostensibly to push her away -- they can't be doing this now, this isn't the way to solve anything! But during the split-second in takes for the thought to pass through her mind, her body has already overridden her head and instead she's grasping gently, lips parting against Toni's to kiss her back on a soft little noise of pleasure.

Edited 2015-07-26 13:45 (UTC)

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